Live.Love.Learn.Lose

on the spur of the moment

2011-09-03T18:01:00.003+01:00

Am just gonna ramble on how I feel about myself. So perasan haha..

Reading the last post made me think: what a fool.. thought she's growing up but had no inkling of what shit she had in store for the future.

I mean, UK has been a goldfish bowl experience. I'm the goldfish, watching the world go by, not participating, staying stuck in that little bowl and envying everyone outside. Why? Cos I thought I'd die without water.

After this past year, I've done so many things I never thought I would do. Mostly quite a bit of shit, but this summer especially has been an experience I'll never forget. Fully living, savouring every minute, enjoying my time on earth. Day-to-day chores were my main occupation in UK. But hols here were so fun! Like at no point in my holiday was I ever concerned with the nitty gritty bits of life. So privileged actually. Irresponsible? Maybe sometimes. Its nice to be independent and only needing to take care of yourself. Sometimes I dread to think about having a family. Maybe I'm regressing, but living for myself is so liberating. And then my conscience kicks in and says: "Don't forget you're a Christian and you have a responsibility to live the life God intended you to." That said, I have probably not grown as close to God as I would like. At some point yes, I was concerned about learning more about Him. But for now, not really no.

I'm getting a bit tired of this side of me you know. The part which is really gung-ho about something one minute, and the next moment the obsession becomes passe. Its like, hello girl, you cannot make up your mind and stick with something wan ah? Chinese say "ban tu er fei", halfway then give up already. Its like my motives in life change with the wind. How sad right.. Fundamental principles, where are you?!? Sometimes i don't want those principles though. They stop me from trying new things, and getting different experiences.

~conflicted

PDL: Day 2

2010-09-17T19:38:00.002+01:00

So, this is the 2nd day of reading Purpose Driven Life (PDL).

I think this book is not helping much in determining who I am. But I shall read on to find out. So, today's chapter is that I'm not an accident. Or rather, God created me specifically for His purpose. So regardless of what happens to me, its for God's greater purpose. One which I will never understand I think.

I'm at a loss as to who I am. My personality for example, has changed and shifted with the crowd I mix with, and the place I'm in. I guess the only trait I know I have for certain, is the ability to sort of blend in. What I'm worried about is that that trait points to a certain lack of personality in me. Why can't I establish myself as a person, and not let circumstances or other people dictate who I should be? I know there's a balance between keeping me as I am, and getting along with others. Am I such a pushover that I go with any flow that takes me? Or is it just that I'm trying to understand people by following their ways? Guess it depends on perspective.

~still understanding?

Day 1: Purpose Driven Life

2010-09-16T20:06:00.003+01:00

If you've been reading my last few posts, I've shared some of the things I've learnt, which is not much. But for the past year, I've been trying to find out whether living without regular God's influence works or not. Conclusion: Definitely no. So, I know I need God to live properly, efficiently, effectively. But the problem is in the "How?" So, I think what I'm trying to say is I've been wandering the past year without much purpose, to try out what living on the "dark" side is like (lets not get into too much detail here).

So today, I got reminded of a book called Purpose Driven Life. This book has been a big influence on my dad, and my church has also adapted it for out College-University Group sessions (shoutout to PDL people here!) But I never really got around to reading it, cos I thought it'll probably be another of those preachy self-help books. Which I've read before by the way. My review on them: Non-effective, better to experiment with your own life.

So what made me pick up this book today?

After a mamak session with my friends tonight, I realise there are many ways to live one's life. Well, the thought that I can actually control who I intend to be, or that I could give control over to the One who created me, has actually started to sink in. Turning 20 soon, means I'm only a year away from being an "adult". And I was mulling at home, slightly frustrated at why I haven't answered the question of "Whats my purpose?" and "How should I live?". Well, not sufficiently at any rate.

Moving on,

My review on this book, is purely for myself, and for any others who care to read what I write here. So, its my personal reflections on it, and though I'm a Christian, I'm approaching this book from a pretty sceptical point of view. I've read books promising to show me why I'm here for, how special I am, what a difference I can make, and mostly, how to be successful. They've never worked for me. So, reading this book is one last try at getting this "Nicole" life thing going "right", if there ever is a right way of doing things..

The book is written by Rick Warren, and its obviously written from a Christian point of view. It assumes that there is only one God, that He is the Creator of Man, and that He is omnipresent, all-knowing and that the Bible is the Truth. I personally believe in this, so if you're an atheist, this book will be slightly difficult to digest, as it assumes all the above to be true.

So, it is a 40 chapter book, each short chapter (no more than a few pages long), is to be read in a day. I've started on Day 1 already.

Nicole's reflections on Day 1:

Basically, life starts with God. So purpose of life, comes from God. What the book says is true, I have been approaching the problem of "What I'm gonna do with my life", from a purely "me" angle. So the book recommends looking to God for the answers. Simple, but profound. Head knowledge to me, but still, hasn't quite sank in. (I absorb stuff slow, don't I) So, its not about me, the book says, its about God's purpose for me.

Truth? Me don't know..... Makes logical sense, but I think the real question is, do I want it to be about God's purpose for me? Or do I want it to be all about me?

~sometimes, I want it to be about me

horrible failure of a regular blog

2010-09-08T15:15:00.004+01:00

I've given up on regularly updating my blog. Maybe its a responsibility, but I don't want to bear it. Do I need to account for my life, for every mundane or unexciting thing that I do? Or even if my life is so intriguing and dramatic, I sometimes just want to keep it to myself. But then again, when I'm away, in UK, I should at least try to keep in touch with family through this medium. Sigh.. Sometimes I'm so lazy... =D typical me..

Reading the last post, on growing up and losing my naivety, doing the internship in Singapore has really opened my eyes to the working world, and all the societal innuendos that come with it. Like what or what not to say & do, in order not to offend your bosses/ colleagues. Things like showing face and giving others back a gift for treating you lunch. Hoho.. Feel like I've just aged, especially in those first few weeks, I was literally tip-toeing around everyone, trying not to get in the way. Yet I feel that I may not have made a lasting impression on the bosses, due to my shy, unassuming ways. I haven't really been confident, partly because I didn't know my place, and partly because I thought that was a good way to learn. Just watch and listen. Old school. I guess this is another thing to learn. Next opportunity, I have to be more confident. Its a lot about comfortability I guess. I'm not very comfortable with myself, at this juncture, because I realise how inexperienced, how insignificant I am in the greater magnitude of the world.

Yet now I think about it, its amazing how God actually regards me as His special one. And that even though there are tens of million of people in the world, yet I'm the only Nicole, and there has not, and there will never be another person who is me. Its quite amazing. So my next question is, can I, as an individual, as one out of the many millions, make a difference in the world? Or is whatever I do so minuscule that there will be no impact on this planet? If so, then how can I make a difference, or rather do I want to make a difference? Do I want to challenge myself, do I want to change the future, and take an active stand in moulding and shaping a better Earth as I see it? Do I even have what it takes to be the person I want to be? Deep questions, and ones that I will have to mull over.

~to be or not to be, that is a funny question.

aku dah nak mati

2010-06-11T22:14:00.004+01:00

Fatigued. Who knew packing and moving stuff was so stressful.. Gonna sleep it off soon. But thank God it wasn't as bad as it could be. Ade's nice friends, Simba and Johnathan helped us 2 girls to move our stuff to the reception and into the house. We got a nice taxi driver, not a grumpy one. And he managed to fit 2 LARGE suitcases, 1 huge box, 5 small boxes, 2 garbage bags and 2 smaller bags of stuff into the car. Oh and us 2 girls as well. The nice boys at the house also helped. He damn strong. Carry Ade's LARGE suitcase (full of BIG HEAVY medical books) BY HIMSELF into the garage. So nice la..

OK now time to complain.

Its a relief being able to finish packing 90% of the stuff. I'm so proud of myself, even packed up my clothes to bring home aredi. This is independant living man.. Come to think of it, I have grown up quite a bit since coming here. Really take care of myself etc. And its like last time all I had to think about was study hard and take care of my friends. Now have to clean, cook, do laundry, make friends..Walao..Friggin old la! But I think I can do better. Like slimming downand my health for example. I noticed once I'm busy, I don't think about food that much. Like today, had breakfast, then by the time we moved, already 4pm already. Cook and eat is like around 6pm. No need dinner la!

I have plans for next year. Cannot play already, must be serious and work my ass off. And balance God, family, my health and friends. 2nd year counts, and if I want my Dean's list, b loody hell better work hard. 9-5 non-stop. More efficient that way. Its like in sec school, busy from morning till late afternoon. School, tuition, friends, homework, co-curricular.. Walao, I admire my stamina. I have a feeling its because I'm no longer on a schedule that my efficiency drop. And results likewise. Gotta start thinking about CV, internships, working life etc. No more scholarship scholarship. Time to face the real world and prepare for it. Development in life yo.. Come to think of it, I never really planned for after uni. Not seriously anyway. I had a hazy presumption of going into Law, but that was about it. Now I really have to go figure, or rather set a real goal of getting somewhere. But the thing is I don't just want to join the rat race and just work in the office. What happened to all those romantic ideas about travelling the world, doing crazy stuff like sky diving, surfing, rock climbing.. Guess responsibility for your own life means that you need to earn the money first, then only do all these things. And as lawyers, I'll be working really long hours and I doubt that I'll have enough time to do all these things. Especially first few years, walao, it will be torture. Am I ready for that? I know I can handle it, but its now more of a question of whether I want to or not. Hell, do I want to spend my life slogging away at a desk to earn just enough $$ for a good life in the future? Or should I just go with a job that pays less, but gives me more time for myself? Its a lot about responsibility, and whether its a life I want to live. I guess I have to ask God about this, cos I'm getting a bit clueless here.

Since young I've been trained to study hard and get good grades. Then what happens next after education? Get a good job, get married, have kids, earn lots of money, grow old and die. Sounds sooooo exciting... But then again, doing those things doesn't necessarily mean I won't be happy. Guess I have to find the little things in life that make me happy. Maybe its my mindset I have to change. Lights, camera, action may be fun, but I guess it'll lose its shine in awhile. So how to choose?? Humdrum, or fast lane??

And I'm not exactly looking forward to losing my innocence and naivety in the working world. Lawyers are not exactly known to be the nicest people on earth. But I suspect I will grow up and change. Its inevitable. Change is certain. And I think if I go with it, and not fight it so hard, it'll be a lot easier. Life was simple, now, I'm not so sure.

Guess I'm not as mature as I thought. Lots of room for improvement. I'm so inexperienced, but I'm determined to grow up and get stronger. Watch out world! I'm coming out..

~keeping the innocence

Long hiatus

2010-06-10T19:17:00.002+01:00

Dear people who still check up on me,

I'm sorry for not blogging. If you know me, I am a irregular blogger, with bursts and spurts of creativity.

Right, my life for the past 3 months:
1) Finals

2) Finals over

3) Packing

4) London

5) Going home soon! Landing on Malaysian soil on 17th June to be precise

6) Internship in Singapore 21st June - 3rd Sept

Basically my life has been reduced to that. Quite sad actually. Hell I have no idea when I will start living properly, victoriously. Hmm..Now's probably as good a time as any to start.

Soton is nice and peaceful, but it can get quite humdrum with all the studying to do. Day in day out, same old same old. Going on to work is not going to be any much better. So I guess its my attitude that must change. Think brightly. Can you believe I like Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. Watched it for the first time yesterday. She's pretty inspiring, even more so since she was a law student. But then again it is fiction. I want real hope that my life is not gonna end up boring and mundane. Something's got to give. Praying for God to teach me.

Gotta go. Do laundry. Errands, errands, errands.

Tentative...

2010-03-14T19:28:00.001Z

Plan A: Summer internship

Getting a summer internship when I get home, courtesy of a friend from my course. Won’t be in Malaysia though. So sorry ppl, I only hv a week at home before going. Ask me privately if you want to know more.

Plan B: Madrid, Spain

After exams, gonna go on a trip to Spain! There’s a promotion by Yazoo, milkshake company. If you buy a plane ticket, they’ll sponsor the second one for free!! Whee!! So that will halve my travel cost. Hopefully will find some backpackers hostel and Madrid here I come!

Plan C: London

OK, this plan has existed for quite a while. KCL has accepted me. Woot! But actually the uni I really need is UCL, who hasn’t replied me yet. I’m praying to know the result soon, whether its favourable or not. Really need to plan for this. Easter hols are coming soon, so hopefully I get a reply by this week. Apparently some Taylorians back home have already got their offers. I’m wondering why its taking so long for mine to come out. Please please please accept me....Some confirmation would be nice. The wait is killing me, and my plans.

Plan D: Home

I miss home..The food..The familarity..Family and friends..To have either of those now would be nice. Can’t wait for summer! And if Plan A does work, I’ll only have precious little time there. But life’s tough..(Elena see, I quote you..=) We just gotta make the best of it!

~love home

dah balik..

2010-03-12T20:26:00.005Z

XP *big sheepish grin*

hehe..havn't been updating as much as I should..And I don need an excuse!! XP So a few updates:

a) passed exams and mooting

b) joined mooting competition, made it to 2^nd round now, woot!

c) started watchin GG..season 2 (yes FINALLY...)

d) still bored, but now I have someone occupying my mind...XP

e) No I will not be telling you who that someone is until you ask me personally and privately

g) mooting is killing me...have forgotten how to juggle everything but I will get back on track

h) long time havn go crazy...no one here to crazy with...=(

i) had craving for nasi lemak jus now...=( or any other asian/malaysian food..but all the shops were closed...=(

j) MUST PRIORITISE!!!

So yes...You can see whats on my mind does not exactly belong there. But I can and will prioritise. Reality will sink in soon. Easter hols are in a wks time!!! Will relax on wkends, then get to actually studying for everything properly. This exam is as important as SPM or A Levels. Simply must do well.

Mooting is killing me..I’m so tired..Mentally..My brain is very numb. And he’s not helping..Grr...concentrate concentrate...oh maybe sleep will help..hehe..just taking Mum’s advice

I was thinking, I do need to try harder though. I took quite a few personality tests. And I am a confirmed introvert. Which...although is relaxing, is not exactly good in terms of working life. And in my line, lawyers are people who have too much things to say, not too little. And I’ve realized I’m not a person who makes things happen. I wait for things to happen. Which again..is not exactly beneficial(?)

Being away from home has made me think a lot. About myself mostly, which is quite selfish I know. And change, as much as I said I would welcome it, has not exactly been easy. I thought I was a lot of things, but now I realised I’m not. Sobering revelation? Yes. Do I intend to change though? The answer to that still requires some thought..

I have been a drifter for most of my life. Things have fallen into my lap, without much effort from me. Maybe as a young kid I did have that spunk, that determination and tenacity to become the person I wasn’t but wanted to be. (I wonder how many 5 yr old kids trained themselves not to cry, not to be scared of insects or not to be ticklish) But now, I’ve kinda lost it. Or misplaced it. Either way, I can’t find it. But it needs to be found, one way or another. Because I need it now. I know, that who I am now, is who I will probably be for the next 10-15 years of my life. So these are the final few stages of the moulding of my basic character. I have to decide, who I want to be, how or whether I’m going to get there, and to actually start getting down to business. If I don’t know who I am, how can I expect others to know me? Maybe this is the teenage angst period that I never really had. I need to develop an identity, a personality which I’m happy with. Ooh...Maybe I don’t, but I’m just unhappy about who I am now?

~in deep contemplation

So proud!!

2010-02-11T20:21:00.010Z

this is MY desktop!!

So proud!!

This is the shot with the dock and Winamp(the play buttons on the right side)

and below the dock is auto-hidden!!

Muahahaha!! So cool!! Did this all by myself!!

Ok, I didn't create the widgets and stuff, but I customized and put all the elements together..

And ignoring the Windows start button, could you tell this was a Windows Vista??

Credits to the designers of the skins I used for Rainmeter, Rainlendar and Winamp.

Other apps I used:

Taskbar Eliminator

RocketDock

I love a clean desktop, no ugly icons, and having everything accessible. So a short intro to what I have here.

Since I don't really use that many apps anyway, the dock is pretty short and tidy.

I've got the usual clock, date and weather on the right. My Law folders are there too, makes studying a lot easier. Just one click on them, and no bulky icons.. And I've got a Gmail shortcut, so can just check mail with one click, without signing in and everything. At the bottom right, I've got my comp's status (eg. battery life, uptime and wireless connectivity). Don't like seeing my RAM and all, so I customized and got rid of those.

On the left, the calendar is synced to my Google calendars, so I've got my class timetable and all my events and reminders on it. Organized much!!

Haha!! I'm so so so so happy with this!! So nice to wake up to a beautiful desktop on my table..

~turning tech geeky

Stepping out of line

2010-02-02T14:47:00.002Z

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just to lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
and
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

~John Mayer's No Such Thing

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood and places to make it feel like home
but all I feel’s alone

it might be a quarter-life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
either way

I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
am I living it right
am I living it right
am I living it right
why, why Georgia, why

~John Mayer's Why Georgia

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

~John Mayer's Not Myself

No I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but
I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's movin' in
I know I can't
But honestly
Won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it
Don't wanna see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's movin' in
I know I can't
But honestly
Won't someone stop this train

So scared of gettin' older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68
You renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly
We'll never stop this train

Once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Singing stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed
It's movin' in
I know I can't
'cause now I see
I'll never stop this train

~John Mayer's Stop This Train

I love John Mayer's lyrics. They're so relevant to me right now. He writes every line like he means it. And its so real, I can believe he's been through it. Really helps me. Just...figuring out my life, one step at a time.

~Suppose I said you're my saving grace?

sZe 20th Birthday

2010-02-02T14:17:00.003Z

Meet the trio from Malaysia

with the most special one in the middle

Hot beautiful and tall in more ways than one

a dream come true, and one hell of a joyride

in London

the journey starts at the cathedral

and gets artistic along the way at the Tate Modern

Little bit historical with the Golden Hinde

And wacky at Borough Market with a fishy sort of durian

Extremely indulgent 70% dark chocolate brownies

"I'm not racist"

relaxed at EAT

with home-cooked pasta later and Haagen Daazs to top it off

After a few drinks at Sophie's

Experience with new friends

and the strong fearsome Sze Brown

screams of terror

ala singing "Calle Ocho" to ghosts

beautiful girl has lunch

when we get to Warwick Avenue

or more like London's Little Venice

with a new haircut

by (un)professional hairdresser Sze

The Cuban dinner with cake, candles and all

shots

too bad no pics of Sze's scrunched up face after the drinks

on the dancefloor

So there's the wkend in pics. Had an awesome time just chilling and fulfilling all the grown up things we dreamt of doing, way back when. Sze, hope you're 20th was when you realise you are all that you want to be and so much more. Love lots!

~happy days

Relax...

2010-01-21T23:09:00.003Z

Finally..I sent off my UCAS, and exams are OVER!!! Only thing I got left is my moot. Maybe I should start prepping now..My challenge from Jo Yee: Not to procrastinate. Haha..I think I really pissed him off submitting my UCAS so late, when I said I would start it since November. But I'm so glad its done now..

I'm going to London for Sze's bday! Haha..It'll be so great to see her again. On another note, I'm actually starting to look forward to London. There's more things to do there. Though I love the quietness of Southampton, sometimes I get a little bored. Like today after exam, I was like: "I'm bored of staring at my computer screen, watching movies and going online." I don't have that many activities after exams, and I really want to make the most out of life.

Well, now at least I can get to reading The Pact by Jodie Picoult. Vincent said it was really good. I finished Glee Season 1 in 4 days. I'm sick of watching movies..Even House is not something I look forward to anymore. Weird..Must go look for some other occupation. And get out of my small claustrophobic room..I don't think I ever want to live in a flat next time. The view may be fantastic, but I really cannot tahan such a small space. I need room to move about. Will get myself some landed property, semi-detached at least. Uncluttered, clean and zen. Thats the dream..

I still can't run. Stupid shin splints. Tried testing it out today. Guess it means I'll have to stick to rowing and cycling. Which burns my thighs..Ow...And I rowed 100 cals in 11 mins today!!! Woohoo!! Improvement much...Used to do 100 cals in 15 mins, and I did it today after weights in 11!! Haha...Feels good to have achieved something. My speed in doing my routine was way btr too..Weights and cardio all in 1 hour. Usually it takes me 1.5 hours. Whee!!

You know, I'm starting to really enjoy exercise. Its the thing that keeps me busy, after studies. Distracts me from watching too many movies and shows. Stops me from eating too. Haha...Funny, I don't feel like eating as much if I exercise. Like today, I ate moderately, didn't binge on too much yogurt like I have the past few exam days when I didn't exercise. I feel lots healthier, and more energetic too. Haven't lost weight yet though, funny...

Anway, going to the gym is going to be a daily habit now. I missed exercising during the exam period, can you believe it?! Nicole Kwan never would have said that a few months before. Proves that I am changing. For good. Loving it!

~I feel good, I knew that I would

frustration...

2010-01-16T19:09:00.002Z

I am feeling very frustrated right now..Can't seem to write my PS properly. After listening to people's opinions, I know I need to change it. But the question is: How??

I'm beginning the question my skills as a writer. How is it that I can't seem to write what they want? Why can't I engage them? What has happened to me!? I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, and I know it. Just havn't found the way out yet. I don't and won't give up. But I'm just feeling so....helpless.. I can't find the solution. And I'm scared. I don't have much time left. And I still need to study for exams.

But I'm really grateful to all my friends here la..Thank God I've got good friends, who are willing to spend their time on reading my drafts. And they're honest about it. Hard to find ppl like them. But I need more help than they can give. I need God...Where are You?

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Thanks, Ade for the verse. I know God's here with me now. Should give Him all my troubles and just hang on to Him. And I know He'll hear my prayer.

~thank you Lord

Peanut Butter Chicken

2010-01-16T01:29:00.003Z

Yes I know I've recently been on a weird ingredients streak of cooking. But it tastes good! Seriously..

Here goes ingredients:

1 1/3 cups Fat-Free Italian Dressing

6 Tblsp Sugar

6 Tblsp Creamy Peanut Butter

2 Tblsp Soy Sauce

1/4 to 1 tsp Crushed Red Pepper

4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts or Thighs

Recipe:

1)Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit/180 Celsius.

2)Put the chicken in a baking pan.

3)Mix the other ingredients together. Mix them well so that you have a smooth sauce.

4)Pour the sauce over the chicken.

5)Cover and bake for 45 minutes.

Walah! Minimal effort involved. Just don't forget the time!

How it tastes:

Sweet. A lot like honeyed chicken. A bit lyk satay peanut sauce taste too.. But my chicken havn't absorb the taste. Maybe need to marinate it in the sauce overnight, instead of just dumping it all on top before baking. But sauce is aweshome!

this is really baaaaadd...

2010-01-15T21:32:00.004Z

My hands are itchy. Want to campur tangan. But I know I can't. Its baadd.. I'd be like N when she tried to stop S getting together with T. I shall let nature take its course. Deep breath..

On another note, my PS is coming along well.. Its just the 3rd time I've restarted it. Thank goodness its not the 100th. I don think I'll do well for this exams..Too busy doing the PS. I know its my own fault for procrastinating.. But I'm changing. I can feel it.

Physically, have started to gain stamina. Slowly..I feel slightly stronger. And I'm starting to like running. Its fun! Especially when I achieve my target. Feels so good.. But have to rest for prob a week, cos I'm having shin splints. So I'm cross training, rowing and biking. I dunno how other ppl burn so many calories so fast. In 30 mins I usually burn 150 when I row, but I see the other ppl do the same in half the time..I don have that much energy to row so intensely laa...But I know I will be able to do it soon, perhaps in another months time.

Thing is, I've put on 1 kg!! Grr...I hope its muscle, not fat..Cannot be fat right? I've been eating properly, trying to minimize fat in my diet, exercise 4 times a wk at least..And for some weird reason, my shorts are tighter..I hope last weeks weight is becos of my aunty..Tomoro must weigh again.

Mentally and socially, I feel btr too.. Mayb its cos I got my new boots, which feel like school shoes. XP I loved my school shoes. Flat, comfy, soft, and very ME. I'm trying to be friendlier, smiling more, saying hi more..And I feel like a good person. I'm on my way there! Feel slightly more confident. I'm starting to do things because I want to, not bcos I have to. Other than tutorials, cos they're not reli relevant to the current exam, but they're over and done with anyway..

K, PS a-calling..And trying to make peanut butter chicken..

~Lord I need your strength

Rice Cooker Chef: Recipe No.1

2010-01-12T23:00:00.004Z

Soya Bean Fish and Rice

My concoction. Inspired by Scottish kedgeree. Looks funny, smells fishy, but tastes wunnerful!! All cooked in my tiny 1 person rice cooker

Ingredients:

Oil

However much chopped garlic you like

1 Smoked fish (mine was river cobbler)

1 cup of brown rice

Soya bean milk

Water

Recipe:

1) Put garlic in hot oil in rice cooker.

2) Wait till it browns a lil, put fish in and cover rice cooker.

3) Wait till rice cooker pops, tambah soya bean, enough for the fish to sit in, but not swim in...

4) Cover rice cooker

5) Wait till soya bean reduce a lil, make sure fish is cooked. Flake the fish.

6) Add rice and sufficient water

7) Wait till rice cooker pops, then walah!! Soyabean fish and rice

8) You can also add chilli flakes for a bit of oomph!

As you can see, there's minimal effort involved, but a lot of waiting around. All amounts are guesstimates.

How it tastes:

Quite salty!! Cos I marinated the fish in soya sauce and pepper. Next time, just pepper will do. Can't taste the soya bean, but the it makes the overall flavour quite strong. Like you get a punch of flavour. Reminds me of miso.. Texturewise, quite crunchy. Lol, cos I didn put enough water for the rice. But I like it! I ate it with cucumber, and surprisingly got reminded of fried rice..XP

For students who only have a rice cooker, this is good! And for me Mum, if you dont want to cook, just dump everything in the rice cooker. But it may stick to the bottom, cos of the sugar in the soya bean.

Who Am I?

2010-01-10T22:30:00.003Z

Writing my personal statement has been a personal conundrum. I have realized that I've been quite lost for these past 3 months. I have drifted through one activity to another, and I have not given it my all. I was not living victoriously. And I have neglected my health, spiritually, mentally and physically. I gave up on the challenge of fitting in. I lost a lot of self-confidence, and have probably not lived my life to the fullest. This revelation has just occurred to me, and I have every intent to change it.

Today's message in church was to BE STRONG.

2 Timothy 2:1

You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Its the first message in a long while that I haven't fallen asleep in. It was like God speaking directly to me. This month is not going to be easy, as I've got a major project/deadline every week.

2 Timothy 2:3

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

Seriously I felt good after that. I was struggling with my personal statement, cos it made me realize how much my confidence level has shrunk. I'm still struggling. I'm still not sure of myself as a person. The things I thought I was, or could be, have not materialized. I thought I had a great personality, but its now being tested in this foreign land. And it has not given me good results. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But its highly possible, that I have been feeling scared, afraid, uncomfortable. I have drawn my head into my shell, and wondered why the world is ignoring me. And I keep thinking about my weight, following the plan, but the results are slow.

I know that there is a hell of a lot of room for improvement. I don't think I can go through uni like this, and not regret it. I have not relied on God for these past few weeks. I have been very foolish, and self-centred. But its time for change. It really is. I have already started on it physically, by going to gym and watching what I eat. I will not be discouraged. Its time for my fighting spirit to show. I have had enough of being in the background. I am tired of not being me. I don't want to feel lonely anymore. Don't want to only say Hi to people. Hell, I don't even know half my flatmates names. That is how bad I've become. It sucks. So I am going to do something about it. I dunno what yet, but I will. Is all this necessary? Yes, if I am ever going to prove to myself that I can do things I didn't think I could.

About God, I realized that I haven't yet accepted the fact that He accepts and loves me as who I am. Oh yes, its head knowledge. And I should actually accept it. Waiting for Keane, I browsed the Christian books outside the church, and there was this book on the '5 Teen Love Languages'. Its a parenting book. But I read that kids either want attention, acceptance or 3 other things from parents, and that parents can find out what it is by asking the kids how to become a better Dad/Mum. And listen to the answer. Digest it. If for example, the son says: 'Everytime you talk to me, I feel like you're criticising me.' Probably means he wants acceptance.

And I can relate to that. Cos I do want acceptance. In the message today, there was also a slide showing this:

Work hard--->Success--->Praise--->Acceptance

Thats how normal people work. But God starts by accepting us first, and because of that, we start to love working for Him.

Little self pep-talk: Nicole, accept the fact that there is someone who loves and accepts you. God, He loves and adores you. There is nothing to be afraid of, because He is there holding your hand every step of the way. There is no need to fear, you are not alone. Even when you feel like you're lost in the snowstorm of life, look back in the snow and see one set of footprints. Not yours, but God's. The personal statement is not a chore. Its a challenge. Its a way of expressing yourself. Its your chance to prove to yourself, that you are worthy of being a person. You are good enough to go to London. You can do it! You have nothing to lose, and life is not worth any regrets. You CAN be the person you want to be. You CAN become the all-rounder you want to be. You can't let fear stop you from doing what you want. You CAN and WILL because you have all the necessary ingredients. You are smart, talented, have a sense of humour. You can think critically, speak well, and write pretty darn well. You'e pretty, curvy. XP You're a helpful person, you are a good listener, and you respect every person you meet, as long as they respect you. You can cook, you can dance, you can write. You are responsible, you can lead people ~~when it is required~~ spontaneously, and you can work in a team. You can communicate effectively, and argue reasonably ~~when you feel like it~~. You are sporting and will accept any reasonable dare.

So many things you can do, so why is it you don't feel adequate? You are good, accept it. And so what if you possibly aren't?? What makes you a worse person if maybe you don't like socialising? Does it matter?

ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. Get over yourself already..Get your ass into the zone. Pick yourself up, its time to get up. You can't lie on the floor all day! You gotta come back fighting. Dispel the myths the devil has put in your head. God has plans for you, plans to keep you and not to harm you. He brought you a long way to UK, He's not about to let that plan fail now. He probably planned your this inner dilemma now, to test you, to show you that you're made of strong stuff. Learn about yourself, don't gripe over it. Respect yourself. Live life with no regrets. You are going to make the most out of it, and strive to do your best. If you don't plan to succeed, then what are you planning for?? Give yourself time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and your self-improvement project, isn't going to end quickly either. Is going to be ongoing. Its a lifestyle. Giving your best everyday, is going to be a lifestyle. After all, it is YOUR LIFE. Don't you want to get the most out of it?? Maximise what God gave you, every 24 hours. Every second should count, doing something productive. Get your priorities right.

~Love, Nicole

Happy New Year everyone!

2010-01-06T12:46:00.003Z

Kinda belated wish but, its the thought tht counts no?

Started the new year in Portsmouth with the M'sian gang.. But to me, it was like quite passe. New Year...again...Only now am I starting to feel like "Woohoo! 2010 is here!"

It snowed lots yesterday evening! Coming back at 6pm, thre were people outside my block having a snow fight..My neighbour invited me to join one at 12am, but I was busy prepping for today1s Contract tutorial, had to decline.

I've started a new lifestyle. 5 meals a day, exercise everyday except Mon and Sat. Cannot waste the SportRec. And I really wanna decrease my body fat. Fat, yuck!

OK, now for a lil motivation speech for myself:
What I really wanted to say is, I really have to stop "playing" already. As in, really need to work harder, and step up my game. No more slacking, no more procrastinating, just really go for it. Before this, I was thinking, "I've always been a good girl, now a little bit slack nvm la.." But that is such loser attitude. I wanna get back to whre I was in Form 5. That was the best I was at getting things done, juggling and managing my time. May not have been as good as many other people, but that was the best I have been so far.

I really must grow up a lil bit more. Take life seriously again. For the past month or so, I prob was a bit disillusioned. Like, not really sure who I want to be, what I want to do, in uni and in life. I didn't really want to work hard, just wanted to do "enough". Or like in college, just doggedly chasing results and grades, looking for things to put on my CV, basically trying to be a "model student", so that the unis and scholarships would accept me. I have probably tried the extremes of just slacking and doing whatever I like, and the hurried pursuit of the superficial whilst ignoring my heart's desires.

But I'm getting back on track now. I may still not be sure where I want to go, but at least I must try being the best I can at what I'm doing now. There's still a lil part of me that doesn't want to move out of my comfort zone. I still don't want to work hard for everything. But I'm gonna do it now. I'm gonna start taking more opportunities. Thats the way to live life. Not just "getting by", but actually living it. I'll have my cake and eat it! Work hard, and play hard. I'll need loads of help, encouragement and motivation. Heck, I probably need a little kicking in the ass! But I know I have God. I have family. I have good friends.

Like Stacie Orrico said, "There's gotta be more to life." A lot more I believe. And its there for the taking. I just need to take that first step of faith. Pray for me, I'll prob pray for myself too. Pray I'll take that first step out of my box, and the next, and the next. And keep pushing on. It maybe a lil bit of a selfish prayer, but I believe God wants more out of me. I really can give Him more glory than what I'm doing now. It really is time for me to grow up. I'm 20 this year. The foundations of who I am in my adult life are gonna be laid down for the next few years. I don't wanna drift, and end up dependant on someone else; neither do I want to join the rat race, going after what I "ought" to be doing. I really wonder whats the compromise between these two, as in terms of profession. Currently I know I like reading law. I just don't know if I want to be practicing it. I guess that knowledge can only come when I try an internship, or start working. Which would be next year (gasp!)

There's lots of work to be done. Nicole's first life-changing experience, is about to begin.

~Director: God. Starring: Me

FAT I am

2009-12-16T01:58:00.004Z

Garn...Weighed myself in the gym today. Feeling so miserable.....Am now 55.4kg...AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

After trying to keep a food diary, limiting cal intake and annoying my friends over how much calories are in my food, I go and PUT ON WEIGHT. Pissed is not even close to what I'm feeling. My body fat is 25%. Dammit. 1 quarter of me is FAT. FAT. FAT. FAT!!!

Breathe Nicole, breathe.

I have a plan. Its not drastic, just means I'm gonna have to change my habits and mindset about eating. Slowly does it, main thing is I must keep the goal in mind. 48kg. Must remind myself. Got 7kg to lose. Exercise. How do I get exercise into my day?? Walking to uni hasn't helped much.

Dance class has stopped for hols. Getting Sports Rec is too exp, and not worth it now. Will try going back to my old before bedtime routine. 15 push ups, 15 sit ups. Slowly increase when I get better. Not much, but a little is better than none.

Eating plans aren't helping. Maybe I'm doing it the wrong way. Gotta research this. Will try more protein, and eat every meal full full. No snacks. Sleep early. Not at 2am like now, when my tummy is grumbling...

On a lighter note, IT SNOWED!!!!!!!!!!

Light snow, but still, SNOW!! By the time it reached the ground, already melted. But don spoil it for me, my first real snow!! XP Was in the bus on the way to work when I saw it. A snowflake landed on the bus window, and my gosh, I was so excited, had to tell all the M'sians...LOL

I'm gonna try zha jiang mian with beef mince tomoro. Don hv work, so must study. Havn started yet. Eek!! Still have my personal statement too..

And the leather jacket decision is: Must wait for January sale.

~plans plans plans

Decisions

2009-12-09T17:16:00.006Z

Whee! Went house-hunting today...So exciting la..I guess its the feeling of independence and "Ooh, I'm getting a house.." kind of feeling. And I can proudly say I did the research and arrangements with the agents (which is not a lot, but still...XP) Now I really need to do a pros&cons list between staying in halls or moving out. The house in Ripstone Gardens is the one I want. Sounds like cemetery right? Its about £72 a week for me, including all the bills and stuff. About the same as what I'm paying now. But I'm thinking that in a house I'll have to do lots of my own cleaning, nobody take care of my mail, etc. But I get added benefits like staying with my friends, more support, nearer to uni, etc. Decisions, decisions, decisions..

And I want a leather jacket. I saw one online that I really like, will go try it this Sat. But its really expensive..I'll literally be working this Christmas for the jacket, if I get it. But then again, its an investment cos I'll be using it almost everyday in uni for 3 years. Or more if I decide to stay here...Should I just settle for a faux leather jacket which is a lot cheaper? I have a feeling if I mention the price difference, you people will go like:"She mad ah?!? " Ok la.. The 100% leather jacket on the right is £140, the 100% polyurethane one on the left (its the wrong colour, supposed to be brown) is £30. OK, help me out then.. Vote in the cbox..

They look almost the same right? I mean the cut is the same, only the fake one looks, well, fake la. I don't know how long the fake one will last. And whether its breathable. I'm still keeping my options open la, cos there's a lot of shops in West Quay (the shopping mall) that I haven't had a look yet. And also I still have this niggling thought about NOT getting a leather jacket, and get a normal wool coat instead. Another list of pros&cons to do. Thing is, wool coats will smell, and they're not showerproof. Rains almost everyday now, so at least the water will slide off the leather jacket. If I work, its ok to buy the real one right?? I'll be earning £180..The jacket is £140. So tempted la...Maybe I should wait until they have sale..Worth it? Not worth it?

~making a list

love this

2009-11-08T23:31:00.004Z

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

-Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson

So insightful..Recommend you listen to her songs, she's amazing..All her songs are awesome, with really meaningful lyrics, nice clean voice. I like, The Chain, which is very floaty. Lady In Spain has quirky lyrics. So do Men of Snow, which is not just about of snowmen. Incredible Love is quite classic, like a song you'll hear in a cafe. The Way I Am is so sweet. And of course Breakable is just so true..I Wikipedia-ed her, and apparently there are 8 of her songs featured on Grey's Anatomy. Her voice reminds me of Lenka, but her melodies are less quirky, arrangement is more classic. Sometimes her more acoustic pieces are like Colbie Caillat's, but a little more upbeat. Her lyrics are soooo good. She uses a lot of metaphors, and she rhymes most of them! Wonder why I haven't heard her earlier..She's been around for awhile, 3 albums already. I don't think I'll tire of her music anytime soon. She's just good la..XP

~I am a lady from Mars

dream on..

2009-11-04T21:11:00.004Z

I DO NOT LIKE CRUSHES.

THEY ARE VERY IRRITATING.

I'm talking about minor ones here. The ones I tend to have when there is no better guy to like. The ones for me to while away time on the bus, or on the toilet seat. I give up. Will not entertain them anymore.

On another note, I'm glad Keane intro-ed me to the Chinese Christian Fellowship. I feel way more comfortable there. I just realized I'm really not prepared/don't want to leave my comfort zone. Can't people just accept me for who I am? Or wait, am I the one who THINKS that they won't?

~so tired of feeling blue

Lenka in "Skipalong"

no place like LONDON!!

2009-11-03T21:11:00.013Z

Take a guess where I been last weekend? It was a really short day trip. Came back tired like cow but it was well worth it. Only regret not charging my camera properly. And not learning better photo taking skills.

Had to wake up at 4am, having slept only 3 hours. Took Greyhound and arrived early in drizzly, grey London. Vincent, Elena and I didn't know where we were going, until we actually arrived at Victoria station. So really spontaneous sight-seeing. Got a Tube map & I was so excited cos all the Monopoly places are on it!! Lol.

First stop, Westminster.

Big Ben

Westminster across the Thames

People on strike outside Westminster

I was really amused cos you don't get to see this in Malaysia at all.

Lol, and Vincent was saying how people can have sex in public if they do it in those tents.

This was on the pavement, set in concrete.

Can you see? Its a poem by T. S. Eliot.

They like literature a lot, the English.

Even in the Tube there are poems on the wall of the train.

Guess it keeps people occupied.

After Westminster, went to meet Sze at the shopping district of Oxford Street & Regent Street. (Monopoly places again!)

Then headed to Bayswater and had the famous duck rice for lunch

(which was no big deal actually)

Crushed glass bottles!

Found this and the books (pic below) in Covent Garden Craft Market.

I was trying to explain to Charmaine & Pui Li (who are another 2 M'sians) about this.

Quote Charmaine:"But its glass! Won't it break when you crush it??"

Leather bound books

Why can't Malaysian craftsmen be as creative as this??

The people who made it possible

Love them!

K, gotta go. 7 cases down, 3 more to go.

~dropped my bacon

The things some idiots do

2009-10-24T16:25:00.005+01:00

Was just reading an interesting case.

R v Miller [1983] 2 AC 161 (HL)

James Miller who was drunk, fell asleep with a lighted cigarette in his hand. Upon waking up, he discovered that his mattress was on fire.

His reaction?? He simply moved out of the room to a neighbouring one!

Verdict: Convicted of arson

On law, its really interesting. And I think its a lot a thinking subject. Philosophical sometimes. My lecturers expect us to really think about issues we read, and we HAVE to prep for tutorials, which I think I'm beginning to get the hang of. Lots of reading, and thinking and discussing. I like it, like its a real EDUCATION. Not just drumming facts and facts into your head. More like, checking out principles and asking if they are right or wrong. I'm so glad I took Econs, and not just science subjects, otherwise, this way of learning would be totally foreign to me.

Socially, still feeling very inadequate and quiet. And I can't seem to push myself out of my shell!! I'm so scared, I think, about what people think about me, its becoming a disability. Argh!! Since when was I so shy?! Lord help me...I KNOW how to do it, I just don't feel like I want to. Its crippling me.. Funny thing is, the very people I want to meet, I'm shying away from. I've no problems talking to people. I've a problem approaching them and keeping a conversation going. Feeling very frustrated now. Garn!!!

Nevermind, give me time. But time is exactly what I don't have.

~LOL

Cooking In Southampton

2009-10-12T20:37:00.019+01:00

Malaysian students can cook. Proof?

Sarawak Laksa!!

Looks good no?

Guest of the day: Hande from Cyprus

The chefs:

Aww...Jo Yee shy..

Elena, master shredder

Keane Ritikos (I think he's trying to look like the Hulk)

Draco (who is much nicer than Malfoy) from Hong Kong

Vincent, laksa paste importer

Plus yours truly, who hasn't got a pic of herself cooking, because obviously, I'm cooking?

Process:

Thats chicken in the pot and kuali by the way.

With the laksa paste

Don't forget to stir!

Busy busy..

Smelling good

End product!

Ho Chiak!

So proud of us la...XP we keep making good food. Or rather its our sweat that makes everything taste sweet. Speaking of food, my dinner just now was very very pathetic. Hate not having a saucepan, can only cook with the tiny rice cooker.

Have failed to jog, so the new mission is to walk everyday to uni. Cos the above gang of Malaysians ALL have a Sports Rec (which is a sports facility pass), and I wanting to save $$ have not got one, so my exercise will make do with walking la..

Law lectures and classes are not easy. Lecturers expect us to know a lot of basic law terms, like "indictment", "tribunals", "arraignment", "causation" etc. Have to do some reading before going to class otherwise I'll be blur like what only..And to top it all, I lost my file today. =( My notes are gone..Just have to photostat my friend's one.. And wasted a hardly used test pad, and a good file. =(

Gotta go do laundry now. My bra dropped into the 1-inch-high puddle of water in the bathroom. =( disgusting..

~No need to whine

piggin out

2009-10-07T17:33:00.004+01:00

Been eating a lot lately. Still my 3 meals, but every meal is pretty heavy. Was determined not to eat so much today, but my will failed me. Had a sandwich, crisps, banana, 4 fingers of Kit Kat and a tin of Sprite for lunch. Dinner was egg salad that I originally planned for sandwiches today and tomorrow, but it tasted so good I HAD to have it for dinner. Oh help me..My plan to jog is failing too..Cold until cannot jog la.. So I'm just relying on cheerleading to keep me fit.

The 2 week intensive has started, so I'll probably be quite busy. Need to set up a routine soon. Met my tutorial group (which is my "class") today. It was supposed to be a team-building exercise, and we did pretty well, but I don't feel very close to my team mates. It'll take time I guess, and on my part, I wasn't very "present". Tomorrow we're going to the Law Courts to observe how it works.

But surprisingly, I don't feel very excited. Is this part of culture shock?? Where you just drift from one task to the next, not really caring about who you meet or whether you had fun. Hell, I used to be able to remember people's names really easily, but I dunno why now I can just forget names in an instant. I don't feel like I'm living in the present, and I havn't seized each oppotunity that comes by. Which I think is kinda sad. So, my game plan is to go have a good think about why I'm here and brainwash myself that everything here is a new and exciting experience, so that I'll be better able to enjoy my stay here.

I guess I understand what it means to truly miss home, family and friends. There's no "backup" system here. Like if you're in trouble, nobody is obligated to come to your rescue. I guess I'm still stuck in my comfort zone, I'm not stepping out to meet people. And even when I try to, I gravitate towards Asians. Maybe its cos I don't want to, but I know I have to. And the earlier the better.

~So in the name of love, let me step out!

events

2009-09-30T00:23:00.006+01:00

I must begin training. For jogging...Reli very embarassing la my progress. If you want, ask me on msn. Everyday jog once, and push myself further every time. Went to look for a phone today. Getting the nokia 5800, touchscreen with 3G. Reli happy I found the deal, cos without the phone, also costs the same for just the sim. But need a letter from my school, so gettin it tomoro. Bun fight tomoro, which is a lot like Hari Gerko/ ECA Day, where all the clubs are vying for your attention. Planning to join the Christian Union, my law society, cheerleading(?), n perhaps Singaporean/M'sian Soc.

Went for dinner with a gang of M'sians, quite fun. Played some drinking game, but its jus a pint of cider so its ok.. We all don drink a lot la. Might wanna go look for some new places to go though. Stag's Head gettin boring..

Looking forward to the Bunfight, cos probably got free food. XP when you stay in self-catered, you tend to like free food a lot. The churches here are pretty nice, giving out free meals quite frequently. Oh ya!! Goin for a free ski trip this sat!! Whee!! Snow! And skiing! Never tried that before.. Hopefully will get someone to go with me.

There are a lot of events goin on, but I havn't really attended many of them. I think I shud, shudn keep mixing wit M'sians all the time. Must meet more ppl.

Must get some boots la..Wedge heel knee-length leather boots. Somwthing like this.

All the girls have at least a pair. And I noticed I don have a lot of their fashion. Like boyfriend, plaid shirts, and vintage sling pouches with a metallic straps. But then again, I dunno if I want to follow their fashion. Mine's a little plain. They like chunky accesories, and lots of patterns. But currently a lot of dark colours, few ppl wear bright red, orange, neon green...Except if its for a neon party, where they fancy dress la..Oh, love this site, collegefashion.net..Recommended to every girl wei.. They have tips on how to organise yr closet, wardrobe staples, how to wear certain things, etc..

Missing everyone back home la...Also the food. Boy, I want my sambal petai, pork noodles, cendol all... Here its quite exp to eat M'sian food, so will have to deal with sandwiches, sandwiches, and more sandwiches for awhile. Thank goodness I kinda like sandwiches wei.. Otherwise I think I'd go crazy.. But also good that Elena and Keane(the Taylorians I hang with) are good cooks. I mean they can cook la, so we usually go to Elena's place to cook together la.. I wanna visit Southampton Common la.. Should try that soon. Tomoro we're going to the docks after Bunfight, to see oif there's any scenery worth taking pics of thre.

Kinda sleepy la..Stupid game.. So, tata!!

~still looking and training

livin like a brit

2009-09-26T13:21:00.007+01:00

havn had much time to post much. Yesterday went for the christian union's free dinner, which was ok la.. i lyk the CU guy, but the table i was sittin at were all guys, 1 fr iran, 2 fr kazakhstan, n another fr vietnam. conversation was pretty dull cos i think we didn reli understand each other. i realized, for a group to work, either you must all have similar interests, or thre has to be a joker in the group. im reli not much of a joker, but i will try.

havin breakfast now. ASDA's cheap cereal is very horrible..and the milk smells funny..

went to Kinki Karnival last night too, after the dinner. I don understand the socializing la.. its more friendly than I'm used to. I havn reli been myself lately, I think cos I've not been tryin to

meet ppl. So I'm pretty much decided to step out of my comfort zone n go mingle around.

Otherwise, I don think I'll ever get to meet anyone or make any friends. God, help me to be more sociable. I hope I can go fr introvert to extrovert soon. it sucks to be introverted.

On cooking, I fried some haddock yest! a bit salty, but i think if i eat wit bread, won be too bad. i think the ang mohs are movin in today, so hopefully I'll meet my neighbour. ah i took some pics of campus grounds. reli pretty..

nice right..XP and its IN campus. these are actually the same place, there are lyk so many more places lyk this throughout campus.

will post pics of my room later. lazy la now.. XP

~be bold, be brave

in the uk

2009-09-23T08:32:00.004+01:00

I'm here!! 1 dream come true, a thousand million more to go..

I won write a "what I did" post. Those of you who wanna know can skype me or whatever..

Quote the dogs in Up: "Squirrel!"

Hehe.. Just saw a squirrel on the lawn outside my window. And I get birds having breakfast with me too.. Here's a pic.

Looks like a park ain't it? And its JUST OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. Lol. My "garden" is so big, its a park.

Its kinda cold here. Perpetual air con. My room's a mess, which I will tidy up later. Havn found the kitchen or workable bathrooms yet. But the room is very decent, clean when I came in. Feeling a little achey now, I guess its from sleeping in weird positions on the plane. Havn had a good hot meal yet, but hopefully can grabd a good lunch today. Gotta run some errands in campus, will soon find out how to get there. Will update more later. Gotta organise my room now. Tata!

~excitement overcomes me

counting down the days

2009-09-09T05:47:00.002+01:00

Just a lil while longer, and one of me best friends is gonna leave for London. In about 13 days, me myself will leave home for the longest time in my life.

Change, is something all of us go through on a daily basis. But I don't know if I'm ready to go. If you asked me during my finals if I was ready to go UK, I'd have said yes immediately. Now, I'm not so sure. There's a lot of things and people I'll miss here. Numero uno, family, friends and my dog. Secondly, food. And cheap stuff. I think I'll go insane over there cos I'll keep converting everything to ringgit. LOL. Maximum I can spend, is like 15 pounds=rm100. Ringgit is so weak..

I should start consoling myself.. XP Really looking forward to the life in uni. Hopefully, it'll be fun. And my uni looks awesome. So many facilities, conveniently placed. The independence I'll cherish, probably liberating to be out from under parental surveillance. Really have to start taking care of myself. Thank goodness, I'll at least have a friend going with me. I really wanna get that accent. XP and meet new people. I'l have about a week to assimilate myself, so hopefully, staying alone will not be such a daunting task. Really really hope I'll make some good friends. Real friends at least. Have to remind myself to be open minded and learn to embrace different cultures. I have to not be an outsider anymore.

Coming to that, I think my life is gonna change. I can't possibly stay the way I am, and hope to fit in. No, I think there's a lot of work to be done so that my life there is as comfortable as possible. I mean, I'm not gonna change my core values. Just, perhaps when I come home, I'll be slightly different than before.

~changing me

my dog's home!!

2009-08-27T14:31:00.002+01:00

yayayayayayay!!!! Dip's home!! Sutures are still a bit swollen, so pray hard won't have infection. But i'm jus glad he's home. Cos I know he's been missing his home..

I've got my visa letter today too. Hopefully the visa will process quickly. Booked my air tickets. Confirmed accommodation. Haha.. So many things I can cross of my checklist.

I'm happy when stuff gets done. XP

Things left to do:

1) Finish the visa application

2) Bank letter

3) Medical check up n dentist appointment

4) Insurance

5) Take photographs

6) Shop for supplies

oh n gsc gives you a free ticket in your birthday month, if you're a member

impatient

2009-08-22T15:56:00.002+01:00

4th sept my last day!!!!!!!!!!

long awaited..Want it to come so badly..

decided

2009-08-22T06:22:00.002+01:00

I will go to Southampton. Confirmed. But perhaps only for a year.

Applying ucas now, to the London unis to see if JPA will give me a scholarship for 2010.

Stress and Relief

2009-08-16T17:06:00.004+01:00

STRESS

I have to decide and/or do nothing about which uni I'm going to. Because, suddenly my mum, throws me this suggestion: "My colleagues told me there are unis in Sweden that provide free tuition even for international students. Go check it out" And guess what, there really are free unis there, for many courses. And the unis are really world class. Thing is, Sweden is changing this in 2010. Secretly, I don't really wanna go Europe, and I won't be able to practice law here if I do read law there.

But my mum insists on being optimistic. "Just check some more, go international whatever. Don't need come back home la.." Yo.. My heart drop la.. I told her I don't really wanna go. She said, consider it. Right now, I can't. The idea is like, very far fetched la.. I've already tried so hard to look for scholarships, best is Southampton. You know, life doesn't like giving hand-outs. Just debt.

But I know she's thinking like, "Your results are so good, sure can find better alternative than Southampton" She doesn't realize (or maybe she doesn't want to), that there are so many hundreds of straight A's students, from CAL alone. The rest of the world is just as good, or even better than me. How the heck am I supposed to get a free education? At a renowned uni?ROAR!!!!

RELIEF

My kindy has more teachers now. And less kids cos the parents scared of H1N1. So now the teachers are more lax. And I don't teach anymore cos 2 new teachers replaced me already. So I'm just a babysitter now. BOOOOORRRIIINNGG....And I was put in charge of concert decorations. Me?! Who can't draw to save my life? Sigh..Just gotta try my best.

~Lord help me

These Hard Times-Matchbox Twenty

2009-08-13T17:40:00.002+01:00

Just been talking to God, and realized, yes it has been indeed a challenging year, or past couple of years. Especially for my family. I mean, we've always been pretty stable financially, until my dad quit his job. Freelancing doesn't sit comfortably in a family who always thought to be financially secure, you gotta have a 9 to 5 job. But thank God He has kept us together, safe and relatively ok. I won't say happy because certainly there's some stress, especially since I'm about to go to uni and an education overseas is not exactly cheap.

So yes, I think I would have a bigger burden than most of my classmates. I'm not gonna compare myself to people whose parents are hawkers etc. But for me, coming from a comfortable background, I don think I like getting used to having an unstable source of income. It probably has been a good thing also la, I've been pushed and challenged more than usual. Good motivation to study, hah! XP I think it'll always be my motivation to get first class honours. A few hundred thousand bucks is a lot of money to waste!

Frankly, I don't know if I'll ever get over the guilt of wasting money on the UNSW and ANU applications, and also my SATs. Perhaps also my LNAT because I didn't even accept the unis which wanted it. Ah! I'll just have to earn it all back when I start lawyering.

There! I've ranted all I want. It's a load of my chest. No worries, God takes care of His kids very well. And I've been blessed with good friends, bestest ever!!

Now I'm just worried about my brother. Smart kid who isn't clever enough to realize he's worth more than he thinks. Argh...I don't want to go away leaving him immature. Just gotta pray he grows up quicker. I mean tuitioning him is like teaching the 6 year olds in my kindy. Even they are scared of me, and my bro isn't. Sad right? I can teach other kids but not my own bro.

~thank You for Your strength

whee! Thank God..

2009-08-11T08:13:00.002+01:00

STRAIGHT!!!!! THANK THE LORD!!

These results mean that I can go anywhere..XP or more like Southampton has to give me the scholarship now.. But oh the pound is starting to reach 6 aredi..Expensive.. But still thank God for the results.

let me have a break

2009-07-19T16:37:00.005+01:00

Working in the kindy ain't exactly easy. It's not the kids, I love them. More like the preparation, art and craft, quality check(QC) and dealing with my boss is giving me a headache la.. QC is like an exam for the kindy. And I'm not prepared! The kindy is desperately short handed, so the teachers are all so kelam kabut handling the kids. And the principal is stressed, so she makes the rest of us stressed. But I kinda understand la.. Not easy her job.

At one point, I just wanted to enjoy the holiday the rest of the ex CAL 09 students are having. Then I thought, I need the money, so don't give up!

Note to self: "Stop complaining! Remember the reason you're working! It's an experience, learn from it."

Plans:

1) Shop!

2) Watch Transformers, Public Enemies, Up

3) Rock climbing

4) Picnic

5) Belanja family n friends jap buffet

6) Farewell party

7) Ice skating with girls

8) Finish cleaning room

Shopping list:

1) Concealer

2) Mp3 player

3) Running shoes(?)

4) ~~Laptop~~

5) Headphones

tong xue men, wo men shang ke le! (dear students, lets go to class!)

2009-06-23T14:17:00.006+01:00

Guess what's my new job?

I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out. Frankly, I didn't think that this job hunt would end with little kids, cos I was expecting to be an office girl. But, since God let me do work with His little children, I'm gonna put my heart in it.

The kids in the kindy are so adorable!! And I'm beginning to love them already. I've got a lot to learn, but so little time! The teacher I'm replacing is going off this Friday, and I've only just started. I love the little kids la, but the teachers don't really talk to me, maybe cos I'm only a temporary teacher. And I still have a silent tendency to call them "Cher", like I used to. Lol. It feels weird, when only a few weeks ago, my occupation was "Student". Now, I'm classed as a "Teacher". Ironic.

On another note, Shereeen invited me for the "Purpose Driven Life"(PDL) meetings. I hearts you Sher! Its my outlet for intellectual discussion, which is so rare, I find, among students. With adults, its okay to talk "deep", but if you start talking with friends, and asking about the meaning of life and other such questions, you kinda expect them to go all "Why you acting all so serious, talking such weird stuff?" I mean, outside of school/college, most people don't ask deep questions. After all, we're young and supposed to just have fun. We got our whole life ahead of us. Live life to the fullest now ain't it?

But as I teeter upon the edge of maturity (heck, I'm going to uni in less than 3 months!) , I just had to ponder what kind of person I want to be, in uni, work, life, etc. PDL is THE perfect place to discuss what life is about, with people our own age, who are asking the same questions.

And then there's the debates. Lol. Love them! Got med and engineering students in the group so I'm not lacking in pretty interesting questions. Can't quite remember, but it was damn funny la! The guys are such jokers! (in a good way)

I've FINALLY watched my first post-exam episode of House and Damages. Soooo good and satisfying. I LOVE HUGH LAURIE AND ADORE GLENN CLOSE. Excellent acting. Enough said.

Ooh...Outing with the girls! I forgot my camera so ain't got no pics, so must check facebook. Bought my office skirt, long sleeve top and funky necklace from Old Town. Satisfied. Lunched at Bangsar, walked PAST Edison Chen's new shop. Wasn't going to patronise anything to do with that stupid sex maniac. Dinner at Jo's place. Met her friend Daniel, whom I knew way back when I went to DUMC for Children's Church, but couldn't recognize him no more. Embarassing incident. Teman Hui Yee and Rah to Subang Parade. The last time I went, it gave me an impression of a run down old mall. But now, it looks pretty modern and chic. I'm impressed I must say.

Pretty happy with my week, been pretty busy, good. Wish I could write longer but hope to update soon.

~just enjoy the show

woohoo!

2009-06-15T14:45:00.004+01:00

finally...yes yes yes!

IT IS DONE.

i phinished my a levels...*sigh of relief* since I've been MIA for so long, its time to get back into the blogging scene.. at least once a week i hope, once i get back my desktop. am currently using me mom's lappie.

ok, updates on what i'm currently doing.

1) job seeking. jus done with one interview today.XP
2) calculating my uni expenditure
3) looking for the best "value for money" netbook
4) shopping! (black pumps, office skirt, black shirt)
5) doing housework (ah very tiring ah.....)
6) hunting for winter clothes
7) joining Purpose Driven Life campaign (thanks sher!)
8) clean my room, drawers and wardrobe
9) make cupcakes (YUM!)
10) fast and pray for a day

ok, its not the LAST post

2009-04-20T02:16:00.004+01:00

I'm gonna keep this blog. XP Mainly cos the new one isn't reli my blog. More lyk my fantasy blog. N I'll update this one especially after trials cos I'll have more time then. (right?)

I'm reli excited over the other blog cos its gonna be my writing project. (sorta, kinda). The concept is something lyk an online book. I'm trying to be ambitious here. For all you know, I'll be the next Cecilia Ahern or something.XP

and here's the major updates for the past few months..*sheepish smile*
1) got a partial scholarship to go study at Uni of Southampton. 50% discount to study in the top 10 law school in UK. Provided I get AAA for my A-levels.
2) don't know if I'll accept that offer, but its quite likely I will. Unless I'm successful with Maxis.
3) havn't as of yet gotten any full scholarships. Am applying for the Maxis one now.
4) I've got a boyfriend...Not..XP treat this line as a late April Fool's joke.
5) didn have time to celebrate April Fool..=( cos I was havin math trials
6) there are a lot of "I's" in this update
7) reli wanna get a part time job. Prob will after finals cos I wanna buy a lot of things..which are kinda expensive and can only be bought with MY money.(stimulate the economy anyone?)
8) Wish List:
- contact lens (1 yrs supply)
- ~~ballet flat crocs~~
- boots(?) or nice pair of closed toe formal black heels
- alter my grandma's cheongsam
- Acer Aspire One D250 (its a mini laptop btw)
9) BN is a chicken. N Fairus is an idiot.
10) reli reli excited about goin UK(!!) lol. I get to cook! Healthy meals galore!
11) I wanna eat healthy cos I recently havn't. And am suffering verbal abuse bcos of the after effects(read: getting fat)
12) reli lyk the new blog cos its been a lot of hard work. HTML is lyk my best friend..XP
13) oh! Found new nasi lemak in ss2. FRIKIN CHEAP!!! they give you lots of ikan bilis, peanuts and sambal.. and if you tambah petai, sotong and vege, its only about RM3.50 for a big plate..KL/PJ where can find, tell me! btw its at the new chow yang..(hawker place) Near where a Chindian family sells "yao char koay"

ok, finish update, go do econs NOW!

one last post

2009-04-12T06:56:00.003+01:00

Dear all,

Sorry for the lack of posts.. A2 finals coming up. So once again I'm on sabbatical.

BUT some good news, hopefully after these finals and once I get a part time job, I'll open up this new blog: necktye-chronicles.blogspot.com (try and pronounce my initials as a word, NKTY)

It'll chronicle life in UK/Australia(hopefully).
new uni, new friends, heck, new country..

So thanks for checking back here anyway.

Love and cheers!

womanly wiles

2009-01-15T07:09:00.002Z

Sensuous seduction.. The art comes naturally to a select few, and boy, have I met one of them. She's ang moh though. Sexxaay..Not exactly hot but she's got loads of charm. She oozes confidence and if I were a guy, I'd so want to sleep with her. XP. Thank goodness I'm not a guy..

On another more personal note, I bore coriander, least I think so. I prob try too hard. Gaahh..
Wonder if I bore other ppl too..Hmm..Point to ponder.

I've a few upcoming events, eg birthdays, CNY and a party. I seriously am considering grounding myself. And that is weird coming from me. I've to do some uni stuff, and I have not taken IELTS yet..Cannot put off going to Subang any longer. Need to study A2....Gah! I hate sounding lyk a nerd.

Feeling sleepy and tired, will not bore you any further. Good night!

~bored

some love

2009-01-09T17:07:00.004Z

I feel a certain love for today. Like, although stuff went wrong, eg. knocking a schoolgirl with my car, (eek!), other ppl kinda make life btr. You know, everyday could be "just another ordinary day". But today, I fell in love with today. And I love God for giving me today.

~never the same

new day

2009-01-08T14:16:00.002Z

Overly late post abt first day of coll, but forgive me cos my internet is konky at the moment.
Anyway, back from fantastic shoppin in chiang mai. Finally got my hoodie!! Gorgeous leopard print..And earrings and tops. CHEAP! 22 rm for the hoodie. Here, I could only find cheapest: 30 bucks. 8 rm diff..Chiang Mai trip first few days quite boring. But last day was awesome!! There's so many markets..And my mum bought 19 bottles of uber cheap au naturel shampoo, cleanser, conditioner, toner and dotdotdot..

Sri Hart campus is so nice!! But its bloody freezing.. Sze and I have this great idea of bringing mugs to coll. Then can have hot coffee/Milo.. Yum! And the mugs double as hand warmers too! Wonder if we'll create this new trend. Next thing you know, we'll be stashing a tin of Milo in class..

Aura has been replaced! By...Coriander. XP So cute laaa~ Esp when he smiles.. Cute here is not typical good lookin. But he's got charm.. Eeek... Hormones are bad for health. XP

~Once is not enough?

christmas is soo over...

2008-12-29T16:29:00.002Z

BUT I'll jus mini update u guys la
Few days before, made acar, which is pickled vege la.. Whats so imp abt tht? Its my grandma's recipe from her grandma's grandma's aunt's sister, all the way from Java.....and so on and so forth.. (it tasted AWESOME btw).. Anyway, I like doing things with my Mama. Call me old-fashioned or something, but really, I kinda treasure the times we have. Maybe its to make up for the short time i had with Yeh Yeh(grandad). Okk, I'm weird yes I know, but old fogies have fantastic stories to tell. Reallly! Scandals, love stories, swindlers.. Its like a bloody soap opera!!

oops, I did say mini update right?

ok, christmas, raped a chicken according to Jamie Oliver's recipe. The stuffing was nicer than the bird itself but oh well..Dinner with family, quiet kinda.. I don have any paternal cousins see..
Went to church..normal christmas do.. Shereen was dancing, met Cait and Ruth..

Boxing Day, missed Shereen's birthday party.. Gah.. I'm sorry Shereen.. Cleaned apartment, exhausted but nice din at Nong and Jimmy's. Really really nice authentic Thai food, but all the way in Ampang, so mostly inaccessible..

Been at the library a lot, to study and catch up A2. Failing horribly. Gah...Tomorrow. Promise.
Read so many books! Heaven! And you guys seriously, read The Shack. Awe inspiring and provocative. Havn't read such a good book for a long long time.. Not since, Thousand Splendid Suns. Watched Capote, great movie. And Dark Knight. Awesome too.. Want to get Breakfast at Tiffany's, both movie and book.

Will be heading to Chiang Mai on New Year's Day, so before I forget-eth,
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!!
K, my responsibility is done. On to message for myself.

After reading The Shack (told you it was inspiring), my eyes have like, opened. I've totally been going around with eyes wide shut. Worrying about my future and such. AND I've learnt not to "put God first". Really, it should be, "Put God in the CENTER" . I must edit my resolutions. And thats all I really wanted to tell myself.

~put Him in the CENTER

RESOLUTIONS

2008-12-22T20:50:00.004Z

THINGS I WILL SUCCEED( positive thinking laa..):

Study Very Hard

Score straight A's for A-levels    

Go to UK

Grow closer to God

Lose some weight

Patch things up

Keep in touch with mah best buds

THINGS I MIGHT SUCCEED:
1) get down to 48kg
2) clubbing
3) picnic in the park
4) tuition my bro
5) get involved with church
6) get to know Aura

IN MY DREAMS:
1) get to know Aura

as you can see, in my dreams i KNOW Aura. at the same time, i MIGHT get to know him in real life if i make an effort. but i don have the time or energy to do that! its a huge...investment. and we're not in the same campus anymore, crippling my chances of ever having a proper conversation with him, let alone getting to be his friend. sigh...

i'm going to the library tomoro. to stick my head in my notes, and to freeze my butt on a (comfy) chair. toodles..

~prayin hard they will happen

a thought

2008-12-22T20:12:00.002Z

yes, a thought. no wait, many thoughts strike me about her.
how we used to be so close, lyk sisters almost.
i have a theory. if you meet a person at least 3 times, in unrelated events, just by chance and coincidence, their life is somehow very intertwined with yours.
we go a long way back. remember at the sleepover, in that tiny bed, you me and another girl(i forget who), when i crushed you in my sleep? you were tiny back then. me clumsy as usual.
apparently for you, we went even further back than std 6. i dunno when, but i took your glue away while you were using it. and i was mean about it. i don remember that at all. in fact, i didn even think i was mean when i was young. but you told me i was. i believed you. still do.

thats just incident no.1

we were in the same ballet school. and eventually same ballet class. you didn like ms mak, thats all i remember. and sandra wasn yr fav friend either. perhaps in ballet i was only yr acquaintance. prob cos i was a lot in awe of you. you were always good at dancing. learnt faster, technique btr than everyone else. but i always enjoyed talking to you. i knew we clicked. but after i quit ballet, i just didn want to think of it anymore. it brought painful reminders of how my body image was altered.

thats event no.2

horror of horrors, we ended up in the same class in form 1!! i know i had chin mei at the time. but you were one of my close friends too. but i guess i didn reli click with norah, but you did. i know that you and i kept stayin near the top of class. you were 2,1,2 and i was1,2,1. I think.
and the coincidence continued, rigth until form3. same class all the way. i guess in form 2 there was some friction btwn chin mei, you and i. i thought of you as one of my best buds, but chin mei and i were a couple for so long that i was kinda afraid to dump her. i wanted a threesome(not that kind!), but i guess tht didn reli work out. but we were still good. and form 3, was the most awesomest time... so much fun we had, until teacher had to split us up for being too noisy. fantastic 4 and pangkor were lyk my best memories of us.

thats coincidence no.3

ther've been only 2 significant friends who have had 3 uncoordinated events linked to me. 2. yr a rare gift, girl. i guess we drifted cos of distance, and my lack of effort to keep touch. i thought thats how friendships were. impermanent things. ships that would sail after a time. but now i guess i know btr. you've got to moor friendship. keep it anchored to yr dock.

i somehow feel our link is stil thre. though i see you in college, i barely know what is happening to you. i was one of the last to know your desires, your decisions. though i try to read yr blog, you are still secretive with some issues. but i put it down to moving on with life. you go your way, i go with mine. after all, i hold no claim on you. now that i'm moving to hartamas, i think i have the courage.

to apologize.
for 3 yrs of neglect and a yr of suspicion. doesn matter if you don know anything. i don even ask for yr forgiveness. i just needed to say it. i've been planning to write you a birthday letter. but my gut keeps squirming. its the lack of courage. i'll do it, don worry. when i asked my current friends what to do when i kept thinkin of you, they said don give up. so i wont.
truth be told, i wanted to talk to you on graduation last yr. but courage failed me again. thre are many things i would be brave about, but when it comes to you, words fail me.

lol. do i sound like a love struck puppy? how's angel btw? i know you always take care of her. and don worry about calories, you look great. hope you get btr soon, from the stuff that bothers you.

~Love lots, Nic

welcome me back

2008-12-22T19:49:00.004Z

yes its been a long sabbatical.. too long maybe. have lost touch with most of the world. which might cause my downfall.

what i've been up to recently:
1) finish AS finals!
2) Mahathir's talk at putrajaya (i'm the ONLY person wearing jeans and T SHIRT!! and i was trying to do a piece for ed board.. so wanted to slaughter me mum on the spot, she made me wear a t-shirt..)
3) Mamma Mia musical! lovely! fantastic music and hot guys.. 6 packs..yes sue me for being lucky!
4) much hanging out at MV. (detrimental to plans for studying)
5) Eu's b'day!! at italiannies @ MV (again..)
6) new phone and ipood
7) comp reformatted, lost my song collection. (I HATE microsoft, but not Bill Gates)
8) checking aura's blog, XP (he went for mahathir's talk too!!! coincidence much?)
9) made acar!! learnt an old recipe from my grandma who learnt it from her ma, who learnt it from her ma.. and went to wet stinky market to get the ingredients. taste wunnerful!
10) my JB grandma's 80th b'day!! *in mandarin* "wan sui, wan sui, wan wan sui!"

i've actually got PLENTY stuff to say. but look at the time of the post and you'll see how late/early it is. and my biological clock is waaaay off. i'm waking up around lyk wat, 12pm and sleeping at 4am?

oh ya, lil update for the future:
1) moving to taylors sri hartamas campus nxt yr. missin all pe6-ers aredi! but will be seeing john kwan, ming guan and kelvin i hope.
2) chiang mai trip on jan 1. weird timing yes.
3) am supposed to club wit eu for new yrs eve. wonder if thats gonna happen..
4) lose weight. i am determined, i will not be a hippo for 2009. NEVER!!
5) go to PJ library to study until christmas. must must and triple must!

i'm losing touch with God. hols are not good for me. i wanna live Jesus again. must read the Bible.
and since christmas is near, just wanna thank God for the whole blessed yr. my family's survived the trickle of income. God took good care of us, and we have not been in any want. in fact He has blessed us with more than we can ever want. i've grown so much for the yr, also have experienced so many failures that i hope will push me and will get my fat ass off the couch. reli, i know so much more, socially, intellectually, spiritually and scarily.

~count your blessings, count them one by one

declaring leave of absence

2008-10-31T07:12:00.002Z

RE: Sabbatical from blogging

I wonder if sabbatical is the right word. anyways, me is having AS finals now. super important!! so like the good little girl i am *coughs* i'll be ignoring you guys until perhaps after 21st Nov. your forgiveness is requested..

PS. I'm officially available to party on the 22nd Nov onwards!! *

*only on first come first served basis XP

~Love y'all

reconciliation is a GOOD BIG word.

2008-09-12T03:05:00.004+01:00

now i know many of us have fought/argued/killed somebody before..
but what abt reconciliation?

today i feel good.
SOMEONE SAID SORRY TO ME TODAY!!
quite out of the blue. first sms in the mornin.. although he's a bit late(by about 9 months), but the main thing is that he actually did apologize. which i didn expect him to. although i technically have alredi forgiven him aredi, its official now.. woot! good man! seriously brighten up my day.. and i got back a friend. i dunno if he feels the same way, but i feel lyk thre was this gloomy cloud wit lil sparks, that jus got turned into sunshiny day.

haha.. that feeling.. of forgiveness.. is somethin reli hard to get. its lyk, woosh! everything washes away.. now i kinda might understand why God likes to forgive us so much. i always wondered why. until now. i think its cos being unforgiving, creates this divide and jus ruins relationships. everythin is cold and bitter. i don think humans were meant to be angry. but then again, forgiveness is prob best served chilled?

anyway, forgiving is a good thing! and the results are way worth the effort. i know it takes guts, and the temporary removal of pride, but after you overcome that, its not too difficult after all.. XP

~lifted me higher

HUANG XIAO MING!!!!!

2008-09-04T20:29:00.006+01:00

ok you all know me. i do not go gaga over every guy i meet. i'm pretty selective actually. and you all know that i've always thought chinese are sadly the ugliest people on earth (mua included), except for very few exceptions.

HUANG XIAO MING is THE EXCEPTION!!

I first set eyes on him in the series "New Shanghai Bund". the show in itself is pretty decent actually but God...he is so damn frikin yeng.. *swoons* haha.. and he's not jus yeng, he's got sexy "aura".. who cannot fall in love with this man?

ok ignore the cigarette, focus on the man!! you cannot deny he is way too good looking.. in fact these pictures don do him justice, wait till you watch the show! its on AEC channel on astro every night at 8pm. he plays a good gangster(one with principles) but he dies at the end..*sob*

the best scene is of him saving the heroine(who isn much to speak of) who is being chased by evil ppl(typical useless girl). and he guns the bad guys down but in the end he gets killed..

i lyk the fact tht he's not always clean shaven, so he isnt ur typical average pretty boy. he's rugged, charming, , dashing, gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome. in short, hot hot HOT!! whats more to ask of his looks?

~ feels like i'm melting

hehe...

2008-09-04T14:05:00.002+01:00

HOLS ARE HERE!!!

thats why i get to post..XP

i was thinkin abt whre i'd be a yr from now. prob on my flight to NUS? LSE? XXX?

but the point is, i've nvr left home for long. and i wondered a lot.

like, what to pack? am i gonna cry when i leave my dog? i hope my grandma won cry. and which dress and shoes to take? XP am i gonna meet my someone thre?

and that got me thinkin abt my friends who are away from home. Sarah, Jyh, Daniel, YY.. i put myself in their shoes and yea, its tough living alone i guess. no one to take care of you except yrself. wash ur own clothes, get ur own food, clean ur own room and toilet, motivate urself...

but now i'm more on the "how the hell am i gonna get my sorry butt to uni?"
more importantly, no money! i'm dying to get myself to some good uni for law but frankly, it is so damn blooody expensive!!! why is it that people don wan us to study anymore? admittingly, i am half nerd, not true blood. and God knows how TOUGH it is to get into some good uni AND have the money too...

shall i tell you my secret dream?
I want to go to Oxford. and....
Jardine may help me!
Its a super competitive, highly difficult scholarship to get. i'm not even going to pretend i am good enough for it. but i HAVE to try.. looks like i'm up for another round of applications... plus LNAT and UCAS. i have 3(yelp!) applications to do this hols.

small update, i didnt get the GIC scholarship, basil passed to the next round. i know i screwed up my interview. my mouth just spilled horrendous loads of rubbish. blek.. eek.. well at least i now know what NOT to do for an interview.

perdna essay results still not out.. waitin impatiently.. and me b'day around some 20 days corner.. not to mention the looming AS EXAMZZZZ...
well for trials, i guess i did ok, considering the fact tht i did not reli work my butts out.

sigh..jus thinkin abt uni is gettin me very worried.. financial situation is not exactly great here. i know i'm such a huge burden on my parents pocketstrings.. but God gives us trials to test us i guess.. jus need to hold on and do well.

~gripping me with uni fever

procrastination is not my friend!!

2008-08-10T16:03:00.002+01:00

okok, i know i'm waaay overdue for an update. for those who care, keep scoldin me.. love y'all..

anyway, brief outline:

1) went out wit the girls yesterday(woot!!). was originally meant to hit the clubs but due to parental objections, we hit bangsar sales instead. Rah was back! and met up wit Hui Yee!
Note: crazy grls don make good car companions. they blast ur stereo and scream outta the window

2) applied for GIC scholarship(thanks mum) and qualified for interview! whee!! i have nvr qualified for somethin lyk tht before..on the 22nd..praying hard

3) am doin the 40-day fast and pray. no lunch but i feel good. seriously recommended to all christians if ur seeking the Lord and'or are concerned abt our world

4) finished my grade 8 piano practical. hopefully will pass..

5) trials!!! lab practicals start end of august.. me face looks lyk this --->*_*

6) forfeited trailblazer..darn jo's exams..

7) ooh..yoga!! my latest craze.. actually was into it in form 3. but stopped due to exams.

8) yoga says eat healthy food..filled with "prana life force"... (shh.. i indulged in potato chips just now)

9) bought "a thousand splendid suns" my first book that i bought ever. havn got time to start reading it

10) grounded myself. (except for Keisha's outing which i don feel lyk goin..) boohoo..

upcoming events:
1) Carpe diem ed board interview
2) AS exams!!!!
3) want to volunteer for Kg. Kayu Ara kids tuition
4) Keisha (Impact youth facilitator) asked us to go out.. i barely know her..
5) will make cheesecake after AS!! and cook up a storm!!
6) Perdana essay contest results in Sept. pls pls let me win the Chevrolet..
7) Me b'day!

Phew.. i should do somethin abt my blog layout. anyone have ideas abt whre to get a nice skin?

~study for peace of mind

Attention!

2008-07-05T09:18:00.004+01:00

WANTED:

Someone who:
- is bored to bits
- wants to run up a 'down' escalator
- doesn't mind sitting in a shopping trolley and zooming down the aisles in Giant supermarket
- enjoys playing 'air guitar' or 'pretend drums
- has a weird and wonderful sense of humour
- loves doing crazy stupid stunts such as the above
- embarassment is not an option

If you fulfill any conditions above, please contact Zonker Bonkers at WE_DON_CARE_IF_WE"RE_LAME@omgwtflolbbq.com

As you can see, i'm desperate for some fun and antics. i have not monkeyed around for almost half a yr now. i want some random acts of stupidity. just to make sure i am human and to prove that i'm not that mature.

ooh..people check this out if you havn seen it. its this 'human freeze' thing in grand central station. fantastic! check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo&feature=related

no how abt doin something crazy lyk that! mayb i'll do one in taylors..it be cool..

finally a tag that i've not seen

2008-06-24T18:06:00.003+01:00

by daniel (thank you for your concern over my blog..XP)

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
when i meet the guy God tells me to marry? (hopefully He'll tell me before i'm 30 and after i'm 26)

2. What will you do when you really feel emo?
sigh, eat, scream, cry, write, pray. in that order.

3. Who is your idol?
thou shall not have false idols. so i guess Jesus and oprah winfrey can't be that false

4. Where is the place that you want to go most?
too many.. italy, south africa, new york, japan, thailand, vietnam, mexico, brazil, prague. i will visit each continent at least once.

5. If you one dream to come true, what would it be?
just to be the best person i can be

6. What is the purpose of your life?
same as above

7. What are you afraid to lose the most right now?
Myself. Family and friends.

8. What cheers you up for the rest of the day?
accomplishing something.. like exercise!

9. If you meet someone you love, would you confess to him/her?
hmm..depends. but definitely will send signals

10. List out three good things of the person who tagged you.
must i?
- writes poetry
- funny
- thinks too much

11. What type of person do you hate the most?
bitches. and people who hate humans in particular

12. What would you do if you won a million dollars?
only a million ah? invest 50%, the rest, splurge!

13. What is your ambition?
to have the top law firm in the country

14. What will you do if you got rejected by someone you like?
mope, mourn, move on

15. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
low confidence, and procrastination

16. What is your favorite color(s)?
blue! green and orange too..recently purple

17. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
friends and family

18. If there's one thing in your life you want to do but yet unable to, what would it be?
Travel the world

19. What would you do if tomorrow was the last day of the world?
hug and kiss (yes, kiss) everyone i love

20. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
understanding, loves God, relatively intelligent

8 things I'm passionate about:
in no particular order
-books
-friends and family
-God
-life
-love
-music
-fashion
-food

8 things I say or do too often :
-shit
-damn
-procrastinate
-eat
-not socializing
-being late
-not going out of my comfort zone
-judge people

8 things I've read recently:
-Once
-The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar
-newspaper
-Daniel's blog
-some magic book
-The Malay Dilemma(half finished)
-The Postman (great book!!)
-a book on Albert Einstein

8 songs I could listen over and over again :
-Twenty Something(Jamie Cullum)
-My Love(Justin Timberlake)
-Bounce(Timbaland)
-Everything(Michael Buble)
-Summertime(Billie Holiday)
-Hit the Road Jack(Ray Charles)
-DOA(Foo Fighters)
-Orinoco Flow(Enya)

8 things I learned last year:
-to appreciate people more
-friendship and connection is reli important
-life goes on
-work harder!
-that i like old songs
-singlehood is great
-just to enjoy myself
-to keep rockin on

8 people I tag:
-joanna
-sarah alicia
-daniel
-g ling
-anyone who reads this crap

this is such a laaate post of pics!

2008-06-18T15:37:00.012+01:00

forgive me! reli..

begging your pardon

2008-06-17T03:33:00.005+01:00

XP i'm touched. by the ~~many~~ people who bothered to check on me..

not gonna bother with the reasons cos basically there's only one. (take a guess, its got the letters l-a-z-y)

what happened?

~~i went jungle-trekking and a snake ate me alive but i or it tasted bad~~

survived? yup, so finished my semester 1 exam. but not hoping much. the rest? a blur..

so wht now?

just finished my semester 1 exam.. hols now, so i'm reli quite free..

plan to study. (nerd-o!) cos reli knowin myself, i won have time for it ltr.

perdana essay comin up, will win THAT chevrolet aveo!!

piano exam!! oh crap.. its july somethin.. hopefuly don clash wit trailblazer

rage trailblazer in july, crossin fingers tht jo can come.

moving on to how i feel.. (yes, i am human after all)

drained at first.

do you know how it feels like to be depended upon? like a strong sturdy pole for someone to lean on. unfaltering you know? even though inside you're getting a lil tired each day. sometimes you worry cos even when the 'leaner' is on you, he/she is still so feeble you're afraid he/she will fall? and you do wanna help catch them, but it takes strength to change suddenly from a pole to a mattress you know? you just hope that he/she is gonna get back their strength soon, so that you no longer need to bear their weight. heck, someone take him/her off!! need..space..breathe..

sounds so heroic huh? or dramatic, whichever way you call it. go figure..

otherwise, i'm tryin not to blame. really. but i do so sigh at a lot of missed opportunities. (yes, call it a loser's attitude)and not living up to expectations, whether mine or others. and image. oh bloody stinking image. its just so irritating to keep up a front. and don tell me that its not necessary to keep a front.

all that "be yourself" ~~bullshit~~ stuff isn't magic. desperate times call for desperate measures. especially in social situations. you know, i barely know societal etiquette. i wonder whether sometimes i do things wrong. like, was i supposed to shake his hand when i left? or.. do i reli need to compliment her fashion sense? and, i don reli know her, what kind of birthday present to get or should i even be giving something to her when i'd rather save up for somethin else?

hehe..should i even be worried about all this? its inherent, and i intend to be good at this kind of thing by the time i'm working. and i worry, about my social network, or rather, the lack of one. i'm being so honestly frank, it scares me. what if someone i don reli know reads this? i sound like a bloody con-artist/whiner

and yes, i suppose that is my great weakness.

~pathetic little loser

this is no. 101 post! XP

2008-04-28T18:12:00.003+01:00

i'm dedicating this to all dalmatians out there..

quick update since its late and i meant this to be an emo post

the council party went ok i think. jo's party was fantastic! pics out ltr.
i failed on the road. passed circuit. i curse that car. i CURSE it... stooooopid car...

regular update done, now i want to be emo.

have you ever felt lyk you hate urself?
lyk everyone else is fine and everyone is a good person.
everyone but you.
and ur the most undeserving shithead in the universe.
its not abt any particular thing you hate abt urself, but its jus that you simply don lyk who you are.
it doesn matter if ppl lyk u, u still feel lyk u suck lyk hell..
just a plain FAILURE
you critiscize every single thing you do, you think your personality is the worst you've ever seen. basically you're the worst person you ever met.
nothing about you is right, everything is soo wrong.
its not tht anyone said anything, but you just...feel lyk that.
and its not lyk u done anything seriously evil, but you just HATE yourself.
and nothing anyone says consoles you.
you just don think you deserve any attention, but then again, since you're such a bastard, why would anyone even try to tell you you're ok?
sometimes, ur driven into such desperation that you reli think the world would be so happy without you.
lyk, hey, noone is gonna miss me, and i'm such a nuisance, just get rid of me eh?

but on the bright side, that only happens every once in a while.
when ur hormones start doing weird things
you reli hope you're ok.
and that nothing is wrong
and you'll be alright soon
quite soon actually
so there..

~dipping into dark thoughts

tag by daniel

2008-04-25T06:54:00.003+01:00

in the college library now. VERY bored, which explains this tag. ltr on, i've got quite a gazillion things to do. CAL student council hawaiian party & jo's pool party TODAY. excited, but will be exhausted. prob will blog abt jo's party wit pics ltr. i so love being busy..

Note to self: try not to get pushed into the pool..

1. Who is your all-time inspiration?
Definite answer: Jesus but for now, i'd say Oprah

2. Have you given your first kiss away?
hehe..lucky me. still waitin for the right guy.

3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?
blog buddies only?? but if friends, i'll take the 5
Sarah: she can use her NS training
Joanna: My gosh..she'll provide endless entertainment
Hui Yee: at least the noise pollution will remind me of the city
Sze: she can draw pics of the sea and when we get back to civilization, sell them for $$$

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
too many!! France, Italy, South Africa, Tibet, Caribbean, Ibiza, Monaco, UK. and one day i must scream "i'm on top of the world!!"

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
haha! i know how to answer this!! i want unlimited wishes!!

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
huh? if u mean lyk clouds wit silver lining, yea i do believe in the whole "it'll get better soon"

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
1 mill isn't nearly enough. 10% to God, 10% on shoppin, 20% on a car, 10% on a holiday wit family n friends. and the rest? investment.

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Err.. tough. i still believe in guys making the 1st move. but of cos, he WILL know..XP

9. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
-funny
-drop-dead gorgeous...lol! well at least he's decent
-ahah! he thinks i can write well!! XP

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Christian. someone...fun

11. Which do you hate the most?
smoking. the act itself, not the person.

12. What is your ambition?
to be successful in the eyes of God but as for profession: lawyer

13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
oh, tell me kindly pls..

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
God. Family n friends. A clean bed.

15. Describe yourself. 3 pros and 3 cons:
Pros: crazy, mainstream individual, loves food
Cons: loves food, self-conscious, procrastinator!

16. Are you a pessimist?
seldom. only when it comes to things abt myself i guess

17. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?
Confidence.

18. Is there anything that u have done which u regret?
no. live life with no regrets

19. What makes you different?
God!

20. Today is......
painful. got cramps in both calves AND hv to walk to ktm ltr.. BUT i'll be busy..fun..hopefully spontaneous.

National Treasure 3: Kay El

2008-04-14T04:28:00.021+01:00

twas a friday morn, with birds a-chirping, greeting the new born day..

"why go so blardy early ah!" declared Queen Jo

"ok fine we go at 10, to appease her royal highness"

and so go the 5.. to explore the hidden treasures of Kay El..

some sights and sounds..

From left to right: Kuali as a sink, old shoplots, old bus, window of Seng Nam

From left to right: Seng Nam coffee shop, owner of Seng Nam, coloured windows along Heritage Row

bet you didn know KL could be so beautiful..XP

just a brief run-through..

1) Central Market

2) Seng Nam coffee shop (fantastic chicken rice)

3) Petaling Street

4) Yut Kee coffeeshop

5) Heritage Row

6) Bukit Bintang

7) Sze's house

8) Midvalley

In the end..

~the journey has only just begun

be a HERO (yes, you!)

2008-04-09T09:56:00.006+01:00

I signed up to join the Stop Global Warming Virtual March and I encourage you to add your voice as well. Global warming is the most urgent issue of our time and since we are all contributors to global warming pollution we must all be part of the solution. Joining the Virtual March is a first step to joining the movement to demand solutions now.
You can join by visiting: http://www.stopglobalwarming.org/countmein.asp
StopGlobalWarming.org’s mission is to use the strength of numbers to urge our government to address global warming, and urge businesses to start a new industrial revolution of clean energy that reduces our dependence on oil and helps stop global warming.
Together we can make a difference.

been tagged to do this by BRAT stanley. i totally support the cause. not just global warming, but the whole environment thing. its logical you noe? lyk if we don't save the world, there won't BE a world left.
and the best thing is that it doesn't take much, just a little initiative.

imagine, you could be a HERO!!
*drum roll*
(insert your name here) to the rescue!!

haha..kinda lyk that idea. so ppl support the environment! do what you can to help!

~a little goes a long way

love today

2008-04-09T08:55:00.009+01:00

i'm ready for a change.
ready for some action and adventure.
ready for some peace. ready to face
ME.

i'm gonna give me a chance to be me.
not trying to be, not pretending to be,
just..to be.

its time for the awakening,
time to break free.
time to love, trust and obey,
the One who created me.

give me a chance,
give me a chance,
not to prove myself,
but to simply be.

i'm grateful, i'm thankful, evermore joyful.
for the abundant life He gives, for the cup that runneth over.
for great family
for great friends
amazing, precious, loving and true.
nobody nobody could take the place of you.(the one staring at the screen)

and because He first loved me.
And, if He loves me, i could, i would

love, love me.
love, love me.

~an outpouring of relief, happiness and emotion

who's the BRAT ?

2008-03-23T09:38:00.013Z

ok this is a one week late post but forgive me my sins cos i forgive you too..

BRATS

uh..first word: tiring

but it was overall pretty good for me. its not the kind of camp whre u go to enjoy and relax. its all about ACTION.

jus to say:

1st assignment: take pics of Kek Loh Tong. we got slammed so hard i started thinkin journalists were fiercer than tigers.

CaVes (1st assignment)

2nd: Taiping Zoo: DAP (Damn Adorable People) did a photostory. bathed a snake.

3rd: split into 4 groups to go to a biscuit shop, coffee making factory, temple and Hua Lian skul.

DAP got to go to Aun Tong Coffee Factory. people if u wanna smell good, go to a coffee making place. the aroma is too delicious!

Aun Tong coffee

we had a uproariously funny crazy presntation on the last night, which i totally enjoyed. food was good and the company, unforgettable.

but mostly in the camp, i learnt more abt communication than abt technical stuff. its lyk hey, if u put some effort in it, anyone's story is jus as interesting as urs.

so the world's a big storybook. nice thought there.

and i think, i made some reli good friends over there. though we may be quite different people, its lyk the intermingling of stories. blending to create harmony in a brilliant masterpiece.

DamnAdorableGirls (From left:Cheryl,Hoei,Nic,Vivi aka YY, Peh Ge)

Ilyas's is so adorable Alex,me roomie

a blank canvas, coloured and textured, becomes more than life itself.

love this!

2008-03-18T15:17:00.000Z

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

speed typing??? i'm freakin slow

2008-03-16T15:46:00.000Z

46 words

Speed test

God is good, All the time

2008-03-12T15:10:00.002Z

yes indeed.. i prayed and He has been faithful. can't say the same for myself. i can breathe a sigh of relief now. 11 A's is indeed God's blessing. No way could i have done it myself. but onto the next bit of news..

there's a guy who go 21 A's!!!!! freaky freaky person..
quek khai ren!! he's a guy in my class, fuiyo! got 16 A's.. mentioned on tv. freaky freaky person..

and i'm going to Ipoh tomoro! XP excited.. get to take bus home.. alone.. almost..

well, short one this time. au revoir my dears..

12 march..

2008-03-11T17:16:00.002Z

will make or break me.

my life changes after today. it will take a 360 degree turn, for either good or bad, i'm going to find out in less than 10 hours time.

actually i'm quite casual about the whole thing. i already had the jitters in my dreams. therefore, i have no reason to feel anxious about something i can't change.

logic kick in! emo-ness, get out!

on another note, im going for BRATs camp!! whee!! anything to get away from routine..
Ipoh Ipoh i love Ipoh...

my BRATs essay

2008-03-11T17:01:00.001Z

Heads turn as I walk by, not because I am hot, but because I am loud. I’m not a chatterbox; it’s just that my internal radio isn’t equipped with a volume dial. On top of that, I seem to have a klutz mechanism installed in my brain. Not a day goes by without me having gained a few knocks and bruises, thankfully nothing major. Each incident however, teaches me to rise up when I fall, to laugh at my mistakes and besides, provides entertainment for others.

I like life. With all its ups and downs, it is interesting to note how strong humans can be. I am always observing reality, laughing at the irony. However, I have always been partial to looking at life positively, because too few people in the world do that. I could never stand my life being static, as that would equal to me being dead. I am here for something! Things are in need of doing! Step lively! But of course, sometimes it is good to stop and smell the roses. I can already picture myself sitting by the window, with a good book and coffee in hand.

I have always had a passion for helping people, regardless of race or religion. It brings me much satisfaction to see someone have a better day. Indeed, a smile or a hug is one of the best gifts of all. Ever since I was young, I have believed in being independent. I love to figure things out. Every question should have an answer, even if I did get it wrong (of course, I’d much rather get it right). I have my own initiative to try all sorts of things, seeking to become better and better. Nevertheless, I still like working with others for any kind of project. Besides, teamwork always produces ingenious solutions. I am but still a logic thinker, and I like to come up with creative ideas and interesting solutions. However, EQ is also very important to me, as I always try to empathise with others, and to put myself in their shoes. Without EQ, logic is pointless. Other than that, trust, honesty and justice also matter a lot to me. Ethics and integrity should never be compromised. In addition, authenticity and reality play an important role in my life. I have always disliked being “fake” and materialistic. These things just do not appeal to me.

My main inspiration comes from Jesus, who provides one of the best examples of humanity. My family has also been a source of strength and wisdom, especially my parents. Friends, have taught me much about myself, in terms of social and people skills. I will cite Oprah Winfrey as one of the most inspiring people of all time. Not only has she endured many trials and tribulations, she has overcome them with panache to become a successful philanthropist, constantly inspiring and giving hope to many.

My ambition is to be a lawyer or journalist. In many ways, I see these two jobs as an opportunity to help others obtain either justice or information. As for leisure, I would really love to travel the world, especially to exotic places like Kenya, Tibet or Poland. I want to experience the culture of the world, and not just have a monotonous lifestyle, with little or no change in routine. Charity is high on my ‘to-do list’. I want to support AIDS victims and especially children in Africa.

The arts have always interested me. I appreciate the different perspectives of different people, giving me insight on various aspects in life. Writing, music, drama, dance and photography are all loves of mine. I like that there is always variation in art forms, and spontaneity in creating a piece. One thing quirky about my likes is that I appreciate old things like antiques or olden-day clothes. Unlike many teens, I would prefer antiques to IKEA, a cheongsam rather than a T-shirt (for Chinese New Year), The Carpenters and not My Chemical Romance, and historical buildings instead of modern skyscrapers. Old things, I believe, last longer than new ones.

In my family, I am the eldest child. I have a brother who is three years younger. We are a close-knit family, and for me, communication has never been a problem. Surprisingly, my parents and I have always come to a compromise without much of a fuss. My love of culture comes from my mother, while my love of food, from my father. We often travel to many places for dinner, sometimes even as far as Ipoh from Kuala Lumpur to get some hor fun, or Ipoh white coffee. I am blessed to have such a wonderful family and good food to eat!

I am grateful for your patience in reading this essay of mine. Hopefully you:
a) have not fainted
b) are still alive and well
c) have not run away
Thank you and have a nice day!

the Kwan family

2008-03-06T17:26:00.008Z

hehe... i've found out some interesting stuff about my family lineage. apparently, i come from a pretty well off family way back in the 1900s. lets start:

Great-great-great grandfather(Kwan Yuen Cheong): First Chinese dentist in Hong Kong. Established Hong Kong's first Chinese church.

Great-great granduncle: Physician to Empress Dowager

Great-great grandfather: Good friend of Sun Yat Sen

Great grandfather(Kwan Kin Tong): Major shareholder of Kwong Yik Bank(1st local bank in M'sia)

Great grandmother: Daughter of Loke Chow Kit(of Chow Kit Road fame)

Great grandaunt: Nancy Kwan.Famous actress. she's even got a haircut named after her. the Kwan cut. (thats her pic =) freakin sexy..)

and...best of all.....Guan Gong!! (lol i'm not kidding)

not to brag, but whee!! my ancestors quite err..prestigious?? actually it probably isn't quite a big deal, but i thought it rather interesting how everyone could have a bit of history in their family tree. i happen to go to a family reunion with many many many extended relatives, some of whom took the time to compile a family tree kind of thing.

maybe i should write a book about my family..

SOMEONE SOMEONE

2008-03-06T17:00:00.005Z

someone someone
kick me!!! i need a push, a shove, anything to get me working my ass off again!!
someone someone
remind me i have to fund my own education
someone someone
tell me to wake up and smell the pollution cos the world ain't so rosy anymore
someone someone
give me a long term purpose that doesn't just concern myself
someone someone
save me from drowning in endless, useless material pursuits
someone someone
lead me to a place where i need not pretend

someone someone...
bring me someone

lovely day...

2008-02-26T15:08:00.003Z

i lost.

very simple actually, the world runs on money and looks. both which i am sorely lacking. therefore i shall trust in the Lrd for all things.
actually i should blame myself for not listening to God. You see, WTF as a campaign ain't God's way. i shudn have thought tht swear words would gain votes.i shud have been more Christian-like. Failed miserably.. all those shud-have-dones. (sorry im not being very coherent)

but a good thing today is that God answered my prayer!! and just in the nick of time...
yesterday i was worried cos i cudn find my wallet. and one missing library book. i badly needed those 2 things cos the library bk was due today, and my wallet has my driving card inside, which i need for today's lesson. so, i prayed and asked God to help me find them. it felt better when i read the Bible and the verse i read was "hold on to your unwavering faith" Funny, but i felt very certain tht God would jus deliver those 2 specific items tomoro, in time for me to use them. lyk "plop!!" into my hands.

and well, He did!!
so the whole thing goes in this order:
3pm: bro finds wallet
3.40pm: on the way home, i call bro to look for library book. bro tells me he found my wallet.
3.42pm: back from college, bro can't find book
3.43pm: mum says it might be in bro's room. i check it out. not there.
3.44pm: bro says might be in parents room. i check it out. ITS THERE!!
3.45pm: jump into car to rush off to lesson and send bro to tuition

XP

yes that was my day. how was yours?

NICOLE IS PrOM HEAD

2008-02-18T11:30:00.009Z

ALL A LEVELS TAYLORIANS!!

VOTE NICOLE FOR PrOM HEAD!!

LOOK OUT FOR ME IN MY "POM HEAD"
FREE (PAPER) SHIRTS FOR ALL!!

MY CAMPAIGN SLOGAN IS
Whats The Fuss ?!

LOTSA LOVE,
NICOLE =)

yes!!!! major breakthrough!!

2008-02-15T17:49:00.004Z

i made it! i made it!
i got selected to campaign for STUDENT COUNCIL PROM HEAD!!
VOTE ME TAYLORIANS!!
*grins madly like an invisible plate is stuck in my mouth*

its jus that i thought i wasn't quite gonna make it among all those talented people. i guess no one was dumb enough to go for a post which has so much work, but with a less glamourous title. whee!

now, the hard part, i jus have to get people to vote for me..

and I've just got a letter saying I've been selected for BRATS camp!! will be skipping college for 3 days to go on a journalistic programme. whee!! XP

sweet valentine..

2008-02-15T16:57:00.004Z

yes, so valentine's started out with lots of flowers, chocolates and soft toys..
but none for me.
ok i did actually get a card(thanks hon lum) and cookies(you're too nice, ee keen zai). its reli so commercialized that i was kicking myself for not being more enterprising.

but the fun starts only after the sun has set.

Jo and eu planned a singles night out, so the both of them, honlum. cheekin and i went to MV to have dinner and jus savour being single. Jo was so nice, she gave us all red paper hearts(but i lost mine =( Dinner was Mdm Kwan's and then we lounged at La Manila for coffee and to jus chill.

the 5 of us linked arms and stared down all those lovey-dovey couples.
the 5 of us exchanged valentine cards, each with a message from everyone else.
the 5 of us toasted to valentines and hopefully, our wishes'll come true
the 5 of us forgot to hug each other
the 5 of us made a pact to do a 'Valentine blind date' next yr

the question still remains: who will be my Valentine?

im feeling better now

2008-02-09T05:33:00.000Z

ah.. those last posts made me go, "what a load of bullcrap!!" i jus realised maybe they were jus somethin to pass the time by. thinking nonsense lets you even out the usual common sense. its like a wave: go up, come down. so the last few posts were a down. and now i'm ready for an up!!

CNY:
hypothesis: as you grow older, you get less ang pow.
observation: less ang pow this year
conclusion: more people died

it is true! when we had to go visiting, it usually took at least...5 hrs visiting all the relatives. now? we only need to visit 4 houses, and 1 open house. and then back to hometown. and the ang pow gets less and less. not that i'm complaining, mind. besides i won 4 bucks! XP courtesy of 'chor dai di'

one thing i reli enjoy is jus the amount of FOOD! (and fat) eat first, worry ltr. my aunt and grandma are reli good cooks so there is endless supply of good food. this yr jus made me realise, how old i actually am. my cousins are all finishing their studies or working. they're all in their 20s. no longer teenagers. and they don play monopoly anymore. they go clubbing sometimes and one jus got his car stolen. that only happens to old people don you think? Adults i mean..

ah well. its a good year ahead. and God will lead my way! Amen.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!

chivalry(excerpt from college candy)

2008-02-05T12:51:00.000Z

Once upon a time, long after the feminist revolution dawned and yet before we could spell the word–let alone understand it–we were little girls. We knew we were equals to boys and no one was going to tell us we weren’t going to play kickball at recess with the toughest of them.
But if little Johnny knocked me over and didn’t stop to smile and help me up, well, then I told all of my friends he was a jerk. And this idea of “I’m as good as you so treat me like a princess” found itself a little home in our confused minds and it took over…without an invitation.

As we awkwardly tiptoed into the land of dating, this entire concept, fraudulent as it seems, was still very real. I’ve always been independent, strong, confident, smart (maybe a little full of myself, too), and was taught to believe that no guy could outdo me in ANYthing. So why did my mom tell me to let Eric pay for dinner on my first date? Why did my friends think it was “sweet” that he opened doors for me? How can we truly be equals if chivalry is still a card in this game?
Accepting the traditional nods from men that corner us into the position of being a “lady” directly contradicts so many other expectations that we have for men outside of dating.

And to tell you the truth, I feel sorry for guys these days. Many of my male friends complain to me that they have no idea what a girl wants.

“On one hand, she feels cheap and sexualized when you buy her a drink and on the other, she is insulted if you don’t at least offer.”
Chivalry is dying and we are killing it with our back and forth ideas of what a MAN today should be.

If we are all we crack ourselves up to be–independent, strong, confident, smart, AND capable of getting the same jobs as our male counterparts, then why on earth would we cling to these now foreign concepts of chivalry? It made sense for men to pay the way for their lady friends when ladies didn’t work, but things have changed.
So what’s our excuse?
Is it, in fact, fair for us to keep these romanticized notions as a standard for the men we meet?
Well, yes, you know what? It is.

I want to be his equal and I want to be his princess. But the only way this works is… if he’s my prince.
Men today cannot win me over with their roses nor their fortune. If a man wants to treat me like his damsel in distress, he will not get very far. I do not want to need him. (Nor do I need to). I simply need to want him. However, if we can both give and if we can both take and if we can both share, then f*ck it, lets ride off into the sunset together.

by Elizabeth

God's pick(you don have to read this, its boring)

2008-02-04T14:10:00.000Z

did i ever mention tht i'm gonna let God pick my guy? no?
well, its lyk this. since God's the only one who knows me inside out, i suppose He'd know btr which guy to pick right? yup, i'm not gonna make the same mistake twice. i'm no desperado here.. jus wanna place the decision in God's hands. who knows, mayb in the end, he won be lyk how i thought he wud be.

its kinda funny tho, when ur friends are reli attractive and have love interests, you wonder(or at least i do), when's it gonna be my turn? and i always feel tht no guys will ever be interested in me. and i know exactly why. LOUD, obnoxious, boyish, unladylike. even the way i walk reeks of manliness. such a turn off! gah! i've always been lyk this. and i don think i will ever be graceful, sweet, soft and feminine.
let me tell you, i hated shoppin as a kid. not dislike, HATE. and i had a fondness for creepin ppl out. jus to show tht i was brave. it jus proves tht ugly ducklings, sometimes jus ARE ugly lyk shit. and it doesn help when you think some guys will suit you when actually you really dont know.
but now, i see why girls are lyk tht. cos we're created after God's own image. ah peer pressure.. how we all love that word. but hell, i'm ignoring what i want, and will do as God directs me to. No Ah Gou, Muthu or Ali for me. Whatever goes for God, goes for me.

yes yes, im all contradicting. here i am, waiting impatiently. and God is up there, tellin me He'll gao dim everything. (God is quite cool you noe, He'll even say "Wassup!" if He wanted to.) but i KNOW in my head, tht i'm bein childish and selfish. its such a simple thing, but its oso quite difficult for me. I WILL PUT MT FAITH AND TRUST IN THE LORD

there, i said it. Not my will but Yours be done. Amen.

sweet turn sour

2008-02-04T13:40:00.000Z

was out at mv jus now wit sze, jo, eu chern and hon lum. i feel so terrible. hon lum treated us to lunch/dinner at 5pm. japanese. and it cost rm242.65. im feelin lyk an a**hole. i jus bloody raped the guy!! for a meal!! and he was so so so nice abt it.

some ppl might say, oh if he said its alright, then too bad for him la. but i feel lyk i failed in bein a good Christian. miserably. i jus gave God a bad name. Jesus is so not lyk tht. and i hate myself for it. but i shudn be so sensitive you say? ah.. its jus my conscience then. i've aredi offered to pay him back, but he denied my request. sigh... i'll nvr do somethin lyk tht again. jeez.. not worth a guilt trip. but then again, its jus me alright?

on another note, actually the day has been reli fun. met up wit eu chern and wel, i think he looks nice wit semi bald hair. more..guy-ish. oh jo! she reli could look good if she dresses up. but she refuses!! haha... i wish i'd taken her pic in the dressing room. lovely long toned legs. and hon lum looks btr now, wit contacts and all. tho a bit lala. sze, she jus looked damn hot as usual la. and me? the usual middle sex la.

reli, do i strike ppl as a lil lesbian? to clarify things, i reli am not. i totally dig guys, and to tel the truth, i wish i cud jus find a guy that God picks for me. and besides, not to be bias or anythin, but my religion doesn allow it. mayb its the way i dress. or cos i am so loud its impossible to imagine me being feminine(even i cant! haha!) but im truly stil a girl, which i must accept, even though it comes wit a lot of weird(and i mean freakin weird!) hormonal changes. i've always managed to suppress everythin, but now, its gettin out of control. so guys, i'm sorry but the truth is: ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN. even i don get them sometimes. pff toff!

ok, back to today's events. kicked off wit sweeney todd(which made jo late for work). JOHNNY DEPP, TIM BURTON(director) AND HELENA BONHAM CARTER ARE GENIUSES!!! the movie was morbid, but artistic in tht way. its a musical so naturally the soundtrack is great. dark and gory, the whole movie damn syok! johnny, tim and helena have worked a lot together, and always their movies, are the unexpected kind.
johnny is so good until i reli hope, tht in real life, he isn't as demented as he is in the movie. he reli brought out the anger and frustration tht a wronged person wud feel. and the darkness of his eyes..scary. this movie is definitely not for ppl who cannot stand blood. bits of it are pretty disgusting, cos its quite cruel the way the ppl get killed. helena bonham carter's character, is a light hearted version, but quite on the verge of insanity too i think. she plays gothic characters very well. the other actors, i won elaborate much. Judge Turpin(?) played by Prof. Snape, suits the role very well. so does the beadle(Wormwood of HarryPotter?). Sacha Baron Cohen(Borat) does accents fabulously and definitely can act. the Anthony guy, pretty boy, but cannot act to save his life. the girl oso. hardly remember her name..
So thats my take on SWEENEY TODD: DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

February 3

TRANSFORMERS:
ok i'm so out date but i reli reli reli lyk this movie. and it doesn help tht i watched it after my first drivin lesson. Bumblebee!!! i loved the chase scene of Bumblebee and the police car. i kinda understand why guys love cars now. its the speed. and how a machine can be "alive". i think the director did a good job in makin a movie tht appealed to both guys and gals. prob thts why it was so popular. guys wil love Mikaela and the cars, and the girls(lyk me) learn how to appreciate cars btr. the only complaint i have is tht they dragged the plot out too long.

driving lesson: had my first lesson yest. and it was so syok!! although i drove only in gear 1, i managed not to stall the car tho its my first time on manual. *grins* i felt reli good after tht cos my partner, she stalled her car for 7 times when she first learnt from her dad. but i also felt manly.. hehe.. i didn drive above 20, but not cos i didn want to!! the instructor wudn let me.. it was rainin and i wanted to drive faster. the fella keep sayin "slow down! slow down!" argh! sexism i bet... so yes, i felt good abt driving. still do!

the SEARCH

2008-01-26T18:24:00.000Z

i'm looking for something
that starts with an 'L'
its not a lion
not even a log
intangible
incomprehensible
oh! the things it'll make you do!

i think there's an 'O'
right next to it
its what people
sing about,
talk about,
write about
and always
always keep searching for

with a 'V' in sight
when the time is right
for that one special night
we'll dance till dusk is day
but until then
the elusive creature
will keep me searching
waiting

finally the 'E'
its the last letter
when the search is ended
for those who've been blessed
its just so much bliss
no wonder they utter
"I'm in seventh heaven"
(but beware of the big 'Divorce')

to end on a gay note
we'll just say this is crappy
and hope to find one day
the L_O_V_E
that has been promised
unblemished, polished
shared, cherished
come what may

COLLEGE

2008-01-18T15:36:00.000Z

college makes me static. and here i was thinkin tht i'd be alive and active. oh well, must believe i can make things happen.
yes, i'm annoyingly optimistic. the reason? because pessimism doesn get you anywhere.

into the 2nd wk of college. still gettin used to the longer hrs and unfamiliar faces. but its been cool so far. met a lot of people and made some connections. strangely, i don miss my old skul. maybe cos i lyk new surroundings. or not.

right, happenings:
-doing devotion everyday!
-am wanting to join student council, but prob not running for president.
-homework due if i want to go to NUS
-lecturers: mostly good unless ur talkin abt LAN and physics
-passed undang test, waitin to do another 3 hrs of 'amali' then FINALLY on to practical lessons
-goin for dance practice. whee!
-baked mash potato today, turned out mushy.. (wonder why? baked things are supposed to dry out ma rite?)
-helped daddy to drill holes in ppl's skull. (no, the cupboards)

Note: if you notice my post today is quite humourless, its cos i reli don have a sense of humour. I'm not joking. Try not to laugh.

2008

2008-01-03T18:09:00.000Z

a little late for the 'new year' blog post..XD

draft 1
2008=
God,
college,
driving,
new friends,
new church,
growing up,
saving money,
yoga

mmhmm..goals for the year, lookin good lookin good.. but they need a lil tweak.

draft 2
2008=
God,
have fun,
study,
eat,
sleep,
defecate

too many too many.. less goals, more achievements.

final 2008 resolutions
2008= God, eat, sleep, defecate

DONE!

en route to sex change

2008-01-03T14:42:00.000Z

i just cut and highlighted my hair today. it was actually not what i reli had in mind but i thought it looked nice anyway.. i was thinkin of doin a retro look, very sexy, sweet, girly but mature. but for too many reasons, i jus did a very boyish style with auburn and blonde highlights on the fringe, outlining the whole cut. i was pretty pleased wit the style at first, but my mum was not reli happy wit it. she said i look very 'lala'. jeez.. she says i waste my money cos actually there was not a lot of highlighting done. which is kinda true la. sigh.. i was dreaming of the perfect hair..

and it turns out like this:

uhuh, i look lyk a gay, sorry, guy.....

some of you don noe it but i actually like watching fashion trends. i do research online abt whts hot and i DON try to follow them. reli quite pointless to know all these trivial stuff but hey, thats entertainment for me. pretty people attract me. full stop.

tomoro, plannin to do some shopping. still havn gotten my college wardrobe yet. actually i was hoping for a total revamp on my outward appearance. but somehow, im still stuck wit me lookin well, like me. i used to think lyk ugly duckling, you noe, somehow i cud spread my wings and fly when i'm 18. but tht doesn seem to be the magic number. oh well.. you gotta live wit wat u got.

Inspiring

2007-12-19T07:20:00.000Z

The Most Useless Things To Do................. .Worry
The greatest Joy................ .Giving
The greatest loss............... .Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work............... Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness
The most endangered species.........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource........... ....Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..........Encourage ment
The greatest problem to overcome........... ......Fear
The most effective sleeping pill........ Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease........Excuses
The most powerful force in life............... ...Love
The most dangerous pariah............. .....A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer........The brain !
The worst thing to be without............ ....... Hope
The deadliest weapon............. ..........The tongue
The two most power-filled words.............. ."I Can"
The greatest asset...........Faith
The most worthless emotion............ ......Self-pity
The most prized possession......... .......Integrity
The most beautiful attire............. .........SMILE!
The most powerful channel of communication...... ..Prayer
The most contagious spirit............. ....Enthusiasm
The most important thing in life............... ..GOD!!!

painted

2007-12-17T03:04:00.000Z

my house is being painted now. sooo colourful! the moment u go upstairs, you get like 5 colours jus staring back at you. but my room is nice! its a bit dark at night but stil can study so ok la.. the whole house is reli messy wit newspapers everywhere. and all the furniture is out of place. but i get to make some colour decisions! hope it turns out well.

living room: orange and yellow
dining: green.
kitchen: yellow,
study room: orange.
stairs: coral
store room: coral

upstairs,
parents room: brilliant red,
bro: dark blue,
mine: blue green
landing: yellow and green.

so my house has a total facelift and now looks like...art.. XD i reli hope we can live wit the colour palette. cant wait for my room makeover!

tag time!

2007-12-11T12:22:00.000Z

got tagged by yin nang, so here's to it

Part 1: On the Outside
Name: nICOLE kWAN tUNG yAN
DOB: 24 Sept 1990
Status: High XD no, jus currently S & A!
Eye colour: Dark brown(though i wish it was more exotic, like gray or green)
Hair colour: Dark brown, but probably will be straked blue after Brisbane
Righty or Lefty? Righty. Did try using my left hand for a day tho
Zodiac: Libra

Part 2: On the Inside
Heritage: Pure Chinese. It'd be cooler to be like Rah or Sher tho..
Your Fear: Heights, brain deterioration
Your weakness: Laziness, Chuan-ness, kicking in my sleep
Your perfect pizza: Low fat, exotic and anything that ppl don usually try

Part 3: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: Frikin cold! and Whats for breakfast?
Your bedtime: 12.30am auzzie time
Your most missed memory: Fallin off the hammock! That was classic! Should have taped and sent it for America's Funniest Videos

Part 4: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Coke. Somehow Pepsi sounds like it'll pop in my face
McD's or Burger King: Burger King. McD's is so overrated. And Burger King is environmentally friendlier..
Single or Group Dates : Both! In due time..
Adidas or Nike: Nike! Why? Jo calls me Nike! and besides, i like the designs
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Hate both. Love green tea. Ocha please!
Chocolate or Vanilla : Vanilla. Its more pure.
Cappucino or Coffee: Either is nice. But mocha's the best!

Part 5: Do You..
Smoke: NO WAY.. i hate ppl who smoke. its illogical
Curse: ONLY if i'm reli reli reli angry. God is watching..
Drink: Sure... I can take some

Part 6: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: Yup. Coffee liquour in my milk. Yummy!
Gone to the mall: Not in AGES... bleeding for some fun out wit my gal pals
Been on stage: Nope.
Eaten sushi: Sadly no.. its kinda expensive..
Dyed your hair: No, but i will!

Part 7:Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: Not yet..XD but prob wont unless i get reli skinny
Changed who you were to fit in: Unthinkable.

Part 8: Age
Hope to be married by: after 25, before 30

Part 9: In A Guy/Girl
Best eye colour : Green, Gray, Dark Brown. Don matter reli.
Hair colour: Brown. Pls no blonde. But blue, pink, green or red is fine. Jus so long as he's a daring kind of person
Short or long hair: Short! no lalas pls..

Part 10: What Were You Doing?
1 minute ago: chattin online
1 hour ago: chattin online
1 month ago: prepping for spm, thank goodness thre's no more of tht
1 year ago: prob in cambodia?

Part 11: Finish The Sentences
I love: God, family and friends. plus my life of course. and reading
I feel: sleepy. looking forward to my newly painted house
I miss: my home and family. friends. CHS
I need: more brains, love, people skills and mayb some weight loss program?

Part 12: Tag 5 People
Bryan
Eu Chern
Sarah
Daniel
Keng Onn

in my cous room using his comp without his permission

2007-12-10T13:28:00.000Z

In Brisbane..this is my 70th post! XD and the first time i've been tagged?? by jyh, so here goes..

1) Do this tag and answer all the questions in your own blog.
2) Delete question 20 and add one of your own questions instead.
3) Tag 8 other people.

Questions
1) What was your dream when you were a kid?
Kay, nothing fantastic like a garbage collector, just the usual noble doctor(wit plenty of money, XD) not nurse, cos not much money. not teacher either cos thats for girls. sorry, was a bit of a tomboy back then.

2) What was the happiest moment in your whole life?
dunno, lots of times i'm happy, but can't quite remember one that was extremely happy.the closest thing? jus hanging out wit friends and family. i'm just a homebody, you noe?

3) What do you wish to have right now?
What? Not who? fine.. I want my phone back. *hints* Christmas is around the corner!

4) When was the last time you horse laughed?
Lol. You mean like 'Neigh!'? The last time anyone told a funny joke i suppose..

5) What did you realize recently?
That college is coming, I'm growing up, Australians dare to bare, imma learn driving and new swear word: smuck

6) Which bad habit in you is the most unacceptable?
oh jeez.. can't pick one.. being snobbish i suppose. not on purpose but in a roundabout way. personality maintenance is still in progress.

7) When you are unhappy, what will you do?
Reli unhappy? Scream session in the toilet, and add in some tears. Destiny's Child's 'Survivor' will be playing in my head. But mostly i try to write most of it down, or doodle something.

8) What are you afraid of losing?
Myself. God. Friends. In that order.

9) Within 5 years, which target is the most realistic?
5 yrs, means i'll be..graduating uni. I dunno. Top of the world in Law subject?

10) When you meet someone you like, will you hide or profess your feelings?
Hide. But oh they'll know i'm interested. XD

11) List out 3 kinds of people you cannot stand.
a) People who don't try to understand others and restrict them from doing what they lyk without any logical explanation.
b) Attention desperados. (note: BIG difference from individuality and desperates)
c) Irresponsible people. and people who don't respect others. (ok thats two kinds of ppl, sorry no space!)

12) Define loneliness
When you're surrounded by people, but you know that none of them understand you.

13) Are you satisfied with your life now?
Honestly, no. there's so much i could improve on. Lyk how to socialise. How to tell jokes. How to be smarter. How to find myself.

14) When was the most recent time you felt touched?
Emotionally? Probably sometime after graduation. When my friends showed me how much they cared about our friendship.

15) Where is the most beautiful place that you have visited?
OH... Cambodia. Its not the places that matter. Its the people and their culture. Of course there was nice scenery too.

16) A song that has been playing in your mind recently.
Dunno! too many songs float about. I don keep track of them anyway. They'll reappear later at some point.

17) If you could have a wish come true, what would it be?
to have more wishes! haha, thts the smartest wish ever. But seriously. I don wan fancy cars or things(although they'd be nice). Something intangible probably. Lyk intelligence or people skills.

18) Do you have anything to be worried or scared about lately?
College. How i'm gonna meet other people. Topping the class. (yea yea, fat hopes)

19) If the world is going to end, what will you do?
Pray that im goin to heaven. then hug and kiss everyone i know, and tell them i love them all. and since that won take too long, prob take a trip to the most beautiful place on Earth, where its cool and fresh and has breathtaking scenery.

20) Is it really true that the world is round?
Only in your mind darling, only in your mind.

Tag:
Sarah
Yin Nang
Joanna
Shereen
Daniel
Froggy
Kwan Seng
Li May

the day after spm

2007-12-05T10:57:00.000Z

G'day mates! whee! how can i express the joy of being free!! (rhymed) am currently in transit for....7 loooong hours at singapore airport, waiting to go to.. Land Down Under! oh ya, thanks rah and sze for wishing me bon voyage, love u guys!

you know, sometimes its kinda odd when something you've been dreaming of, is right in front of your face. but you just don't know what to do with it! I'm free of spm now, grown up and going to college. been dreaming of this time for so long, but now, doesn't feel like a thing. seems so... normal. but hey, thats life when you meet it. go with the flow..

i've painted my nails electric blue. its kinda weird and horrible but i like it. and it stops people stealing my stuff =) travelling without my parents on a long hols for the first time is kinda odd tho, but still fun. no chance to go wild and crazy though. =( hopefully get to learn how to surf!

now imma go to the land of milk and honey! seriously, they got good food down thre(oh the waistline!)
adios amigos!

pics

2007-11-05T15:13:00.001Z

this was typed wit an on screen keyboard

2007-11-05T14:03:00.000Z

today, is the most pathetic day of my life.

at first it started out fine. studied in skul.

then wel, xx and yy show up. 2 complicate matters, zz is here checkin the classes. wel i survived an entire conv wit them so it wasn dat bad. but stil, wen ur faced wit 2 ppl u don wana see, u just gotta take a deep breath, and stick ur hand into the shit bowl.

and thats exactly wat i did.

wats a girl gonna do wen her phone falls into the toilet bowl? and btw, its a long way in.. so i pulled my pants up and got sher. bloody didn even get to pee before the beautiful bastard of a phone decided that it wud go for a swim. thank goodness i wasn alone.

we tried to get oven tongs, not available.
broom, na..
then light bulb turned on! ting!
charcoal tongs!! (thanks shea shin.. )
and garbage bags for make-shift gloves.

*warning*
shit up ahead.
readers, pls make sure you havn got anythin to puke. if otherwise, discontinue reading.

i swore my whole way thru, stickin my plastic-bagged arm into the long dark hole, wit only a pair of charcoal tongs. wat does it feel lyk, you ask? bloody disgusting. imagine, only a piece of plastic seperating ur hand and lots of crap. everybody discharges waste, spits, farts and pukes there. bacteria heaven. and i, have to shove my hand in. syok! once in a lifetime experience. but too bad, all that trouble but my arms were too short. wel, we tried thinkn of other ways including : glue, net, magnet(??)

still, lotsa thanks to wyn yao, jo yee and sher, who all helped ;) finally flushed it down the toilet to a watery grave. talk abt a shitty high skul memory.. i don think i'll ever look at hand phones and toilets in the same way again.

needless to say, got a scolding from my parents. high pitched screaming in the bathroom helps to let of some steam.. esp after wat u think has been a bad day.

and now, my keyboard isn workin..

ps: before all tht crap, we were talking abt phones, and sher said sony ericsson very easily spoilt. and i was lyk, don curse my phone.. and ta da!! phone fell in toilet bowl.!.!

its a few days after graduation

2007-11-02T12:32:00.000Z

and the reality still hasn sunk in. the ghost of me is still stuck in the good days of form 4, busy eating nasi and goofing around in amcorp.

oh the memories..

and to think, that i didn cry. i wish i wish i wish i did. it seems so much more memorable and meaningful to cry, to mark the passing of a major stage in life, with a few drops of salty water.

going through this, made me think about all the friends i have or had. mostly about the friends i had. knowing myself, i've never been one to make a conscious effort to keep a friendship. i think maybe cos i'm a 'now' person. but the past will catch up on you. and thats how the world is. i admit, i'm a terrible friend. so therefore i wil receive my punishment.

it is probably my biggest failing. yes, maybe the reason why i don't make great friends with many ppl, is bcos when they leave my life, i know it will hurt. so not getting too close, is a barrier to stop heartbreak. selfish, yes. heartless, no i hope not.

as you read this, and if you were/are a friend of mine, this is what i am. i, realize that i have failed many people. i shall work on it. as i promise nothing, so shall i receive nothing. thank you to you all, who view me as a human being, who have led me to believe that i'm worth something, although that something might well be a piece of shit.

so as i grow old, and stand watching autumn leaves fall, i think that i will be alone. i will look over a lake and sigh, knowing that the loneliness, was my own doing. looking at faded pictures, playing old songs, that will be me. and i will cry, alone.

(don't bother me, this depressing thought will fade)

apologize -timbaland ft. one republic

2007-10-19T20:53:00.000+01:00

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

that it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah yeah

I loved you with the fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late whoaa ohhh...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet... off the ground...

may this be your respose

signed,
nicole

leaving

2007-10-19T20:09:00.000+01:00

Bugging Thought At 4 a.m

did i do what i'd said?
or did i just say what i'd do?
the things i should have done, i did not.
the ones i should not, need i say more?
you could not have been more right,
when you said i was wrong

leaving
i don't want to be chained
to guilty memories
of chances i did not take
of apologies not granted
of sorries not said

curse me, kick me, leave me on the ground
for i deserve nothing
less than revenge
take this golden opportunity
to bring me to my knees
every last drop of emotion
pour on me my dread

and after your round of pleasure
may it be my turn
to shower the greatest blessings
upon one who should deserve

therefore to all,
it might be a little late
i'll take my chances

to say sorry
for mistakes i have made
to apologize
for all hurt caused
to grieve
for what is lost
to rejoice
when love is found
to bond
in what time left

reconciliation
maybe that be the best
but i don't wish for forgiveness
unless
unless you suggest

to forgive and forget
past misdeeds
wrought by unknowing hands
i hope then when i depart
i'd have found a little of what
little there is of friendship

more than a thousand words

2007-10-19T19:11:00.001+01:00

all hail me

someday, i'll look at this and say, thank God for those times

princess for a day

too surprised!

in the car, while i stil didn know thre was gonna be a surprise

soooorrrryyyy....

2007-10-19T19:04:00.000+01:00

so so so many things have happened in the time i havn touched the comp.

quick update:
1) u can go check out my b'day(ngaha! hammock!) on sarah's blog. but i'll give you some pics
2) trials are over
3) my results are back(improved!)
4) i miss guys
5) my social life is shrinking by the second, if it isn't gone already
6) i'm hurting
7) spm is in 20 something days
8) not panickng, when i should
9) life does not suck no matter what people say
10) you don need to read this, its boring

BORING ME SUMMARIZED IN 10 STEPS

pics from the madness

2007-07-27T18:17:00.001+01:00

my thai pineapple fried rice. they a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y serve it in a pineapple.

jo and her rice. i think she's fascinated with it.

say grace

begging to be eaten

i don think she knows what chopstocks are

what, i am a biatch?

2007-07-06T11:51:00.000+01:00

i dunno, after reading someone's blog, i find tht i turned out to be the exact same person i don wanna be. look, i'm turning out all girly and dumb blondish! aargh!! metamorphosis wasn in my initial plan of growin up. i mean, from ugly duckling to swan is ok, but from nerd-o to some dumb blonde? oh freak.... forget it, i jus realized tht its prob a major turn off to some ppl when i giggle and go mad. totally spoilt my mood today. blah.... hate it hate it hate it. hate growin up. sometimes i wonder whther other ppl havn grown up and are stil childish or am i the one who is childish and immature. freak...

oh the MADNESS!!

2007-07-06T10:03:00.000+01:00

freaks. every single one of us! lol. today's friday! and oh i jus dunno whre to begin the reli reli lovely frikin crazy outing EVER in bangsar.

*takes deep breath*

so, today me, joanna, sze, sarah and hui yee went out for lunch at bangsar village. posh place wei.... and pocket burner too. but i felt lyk those chicks in college, havin nice lunch with jus the friends, hanging out... at first huiyee and jo wern't able to come along but it was happily ever after ltr. so we left skul wit sze's driver fetching us. eh, i very fren wit him le... haha. thank goodness he said today i didn look lyk aunty.

at first i wanted to take them to Food Foundry in section 17. great food and coffee but it's a little more quiet la. sze suggested thai food in bangsar village, so tht sounded so much btr. and can walk around, looksee looksee. i love ppl watching, esp in bangsar. can get to check out in fashion, look out for hot chicks and dudes, go crazy without anyone recognizing you and jus have a blast.

sze took us to this thai place called Basil. (and i don mean basil chan la ok.)the place is pretty nice, decent decor, reasonable price for pretty good food. pics will be up ltr, after gettin them from rah. took pics of all the food. and it was reli rli delicious too. i had a thai pineapple fried rice, huiyee had tomyum(my fav!), sarah had some kind of chicken noodles(the name was too long, can't remember it), joanna had chicken and egg wit rice(surprisingly quite tasty) and sze had duck noodles. huiyee has some queer eating habits man. she ah, loves food. she eat very quietly wan, seldom talk. and she makes little satisfying noises. haha! and she can take lots and lots of chilli. fuiyo! i look at her put the chilli powder on her spoon ah, sure can make tiny bomb with tht amount of chilli aredi.

it felt reli good jus being able to laugh and joke around wit these lovely girls la. and no worries at all, jus more jokes and ooh's and aah's over pretty little things. as usual, whats an outing without a lil window shopping. we went to look at shoes and clothes to walk off a pretty big lunch. being in bangsar, i didn reli wanna get anything cos its lyk frikin exp. all branded stuff from overseas. a pair of shoes and a reli cool dress caught my eye but $300 was not worth it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thats how i would describe dessert!!!! so so so so so yummy! awesome! lovely! aah!!! haha! we went to bakerzin, which has reli scrumptious dessert. they're known for their creme brulee and profiteroles. sze and rah wanted to try the strawberry cheesecake and ice cream so i jus asked for profiteroles la. we all felt pretty full so only 2 desserts. yo... i think we shud have added one more creme brulee la. but it looked very small so nvm la. and this bakerzin is reli very exp place to have dessert. but they're jus so heavenly la. more pics up ltr! the profiteroles are choux pastry with ice cream and melted chocolate. gosh, the taste, jus so heavenly... ah... its lyk...woah.. liquid gold down your throat. damn syok! haha. the strawberry wasn too bad but incomparable to the profiteroles la.

and imagine, thre are 5 of us girls. all fighting for 2 plates of yummylicious dessert. sze was fighting with rah and dripped some ice cream. naughty little girls. and the best one, haha, is huiyee. haha! she so smart. we were busy eating the profiteroles right, then she reached over and said: "let me see the strawberry ice cream." and she put it in front of her, and started eating it! smart right! and we were all looking at her. then rah was lyk:"eh, i wanna see the ice cream too leh." haha! it was damn funny. all of us were lyk "let me see, let me see" after tht.

aiyo... the dessert ah, reli cost a bomb. me and joanna counted right, prob have to go for one month without eating in skul to make up for the money we spent today. nvm la, once in a long while. ok la..

and the best part of the whole thing, was jus right before we reached skul. sze bought christina aguilera's album, back to basics. and christina poses in so many pics. so in the car, we started copying out all her poses. haha! laugh lyk mad at all the stupid faces we make la! i mean, huiyee looked alomst dead in one, sze had her eyes rolling in another. but joanna right, wah, i think she can be model wei. she does the camera thing pretty well. i don reli know all those angles and things but she does. comes from watching america's nxt top model. and sarah was very pro punya fashion photographer wei.

dunno why, but the best part is always the last. as we were nearing skul, the car stopped right in front of the bus stop(which had a lot of ppl), while sze was trying out one last sexy pose! lol! so embarassing! she lyk had her arm leaning on the car window, pouting her lips. very the hawt! but thre were all those ppl staring at this gang of drunk girls tumbling out of the car, laughing until our insides got jumbled up. and the girls had to hop over sze while getting out of the back seat, so it looked damn weird. broad daylight oso got girls doing some tidak senonoh stuff. frikin cool...

so the four of us walked back to skul la. actually wanted to pose more but now nearing skul, not good to show too much of our wild side. joanna went back earlier, huiyee and sarah goin home togther and my mum hadn come yet, so wait la. and we saw this good looking guy walking along la. and huiyee started coming up with plans on how to get his attention. damn lame! and the three of us came up with:

1) drop your books in front of him. (if don have books, borrow your nerdy friend's)
2) roll your friend's bottle until it reaches the guy's feet. (for added effect, let it bounce down a few steps)
3) sit very suggestively
4) talk louder so he can hear you

but in the end, we suspect he prob knew wat we were talking abt and quickly walked away. sad nya... haha!

so ends a very very triple duplet fun fun day with my gang of uber qi sin frenz. i tell you all these memories, i'll keep in my heart. love all you girls!

hugs and kisses,
nicole

2007-06-30T07:16:00.000+01:00

pada suatu hari
kami merupakan
kawan, sahabat
tetapi sekarang
persahabatan ini
telah kehilangan
perasaan sejati

haha! tryin my hand at malay songs. made one up wit sarah this mornin, talking abt lost friendships. but its all water under the bridge. let me try putting it in english now.

remember the times
when we were young
pictures, memories and chats
about our many secrets

time, place and distance
seperate us
2 beautiful girls
turn unknowing strangers

tracing back the steps we took
together through the storm
a memory of what once was
lingers

goodbye to you
a friend i once knew
tried hard to keep the flame anew
but we have our different roads to take

love, nicole

its a emo-ie day...

2007-06-24T17:35:00.000+01:00

not jus for me. but i shall jus update this blog first. sat's schedule was jam packed, morning was cheer 07 and ltr carmen's birthday bash. cheer was cool, went to support Calyx. btw, you guys rock ok! no matter how you guys do, i'll always be proud to have been part of the club, though only for a short while. loves, hugs and kisses. XXX the best thing is the journey, not the end.

pink positive! look at jia ming's lil sis holding the bunny!

old pic taken on hari gerko. support calyx!

wit the cheerleaders(in uniform and hair swept back) sher, cass(bottom) and fiona(top).

jus for memories sake. at scouts campfire 06

preety ppl!

carmen's birthday surprise party was great! exclusive, one of a kind, i'll-prob-nvr-get-to-go-again, by invitation only kind of thing. her parents are so nice, (her mum looks lyk her sis!), celebrated it at GSC Gold Class, 1 utama. at first she wasn so surprised cos i think she might have guessed it aredi. but the slide tht her close friends made was so sweet! and touching.. got some pics to show too.

pretty little girls all lined in a row

brenda and li may believe they can fly

2007-06-20T08:21:00.000+01:00

You scored as English/Journalism/Comm, You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Communication, English, Film, Journalism, Literature, or Writing.

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

English/Journalism/Comm

100%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

94%

HR/BusinessManagement

88%

Education/Counseling

69%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

69%

Visual&PerformingArts

63%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

63%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

63%

Psychology/Sociology

56%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

38%

Religion/Theology

31%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

25%

Mathematics/Statistics

Physics/Engineering/Computer

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
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