| giving everyday my best shot |
CAITLIN / CHARMAINE / DANIEL / EU CHERN / G LING / JIA YI / JO YEE / JOANNA / JOHN KHOO / KEANE / KENG ONN / KIAN SEONG / LI YING / SARAH / SHEREEN / SZE WEI / YIN NANG / Y Y/
October 2006 / November 2006 / December 2006 / January 2007 / February 2007 / March 2007 / April 2007 / May 2007 / June 2007 / July 2007 / October 2007 / November 2007 / December 2007 / January 2008 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 / June 2008 / July 2008 / August 2008 / September 2008 / October 2008 / December 2008 / January 2009 / April 2009 / June 2009 / July 2009 / August 2009 / September 2009 / October 2009 / November 2009 / December 2009 / January 2010 / February 2010 / March 2010 / June 2010 / September 2010 / September 2011 / September 2012 / February 2013 / March 2013 / April 2013 / May 2013 / June 2013 / July 2013 /
Credit: Blogger / Icon
Layout © thebikiniboy
Thursday, March 22,
6:52:00 pm
more..
Away and Back Again
“Go away! I don’t wanna see you again!” I screamed, tears streaming down my face, heading for the gate. I opened it and let it slam, hard, wanting to break everything even remotely connected to her. I strode out, hurt and angry. It was night, the coconut tree outside swayed gently in the wind. I walked out a few steps and could continue no more. This was home, no matter how angry I was, I couldn’t leave it. I cried and screamed to the stillness of the night, not caring if the neighbours heard me. Deep inside, I wanted her to know how much she had hurt me, how angry I felt. I squatted down by the pavement, heaving sobs of anger. Walking out of the house had been a gesture of anger, defiance. I could try heading for grandma’s place, a few blocks away from here. That would scare her.
I waited a few seconds and walked away, certain she would come after me. After all, I was still her daughter. As I was walking away, I heard her call my name. I was triumphant and somewhat relieved. It would have been horrible if she had not come to claim me. I argued with her for awhile, pretending to be reluctant to go home with her. I put on an angry face, not wanting to touch her or anything of hers. She finally coaxed me in, where we had a discussion. Everything turned out alright as we compromised each other’s wishes
That was twenty years ago. I was a rebellious teenager, fighting all the time with my mother. The both of us had strong personalities, each wanting our own way. But as blood is thicker than water, we always made up. Then, I met Rachel. I was always different, or wanting to be different. Other girls had boyfriends, I had girls around me. Punk hairstyles, a boyish swagger and an athletic body were all evidence of my tendency towards masculinity. Being different was what I always wanted. I had questioned myself many, many, times. Who was I? Why was I like this? Inside, I hurt myself badly, tortured myself, that I was abnormal, a freak, alien. I had no hope. Sometimes, I felt like killing myself, yes, that often seemed like a good idea. But somehow, I never did it. Maybe it was cowardice or that I still had obligations to friends and family. But then, when I was at my weakest, close to breaking point, I found a place where I belonged. A website was my salvation, bringing me to know people like me. That was where I met her, Rachel, the cause of my estrangement with my mother.
I did not blame her, my mother. She was a devout Catholic, to which my difference was a sin. Yes, I grew up in that environment, but I did not believe in a God. Hell, I would have to go then, if that was the price you paid. For being different.
This secret I harboured, for as long as I could. It was always a struggle, to put on a mask which would not fit. Only when I knew truly that I wanted to marry Rachel, then only did I reveal my secret. My family was mortified. They banished me, no, she did. Out again I went, like the day twenty years before. This time, she did not follow me. I was left outside. She could love me but I had broken a sacred rule of God. No, we could not live under the same roof while I was still in that state.
This very much distressed me. I loved my family. But how would I go back? Difficult decisions were always there for me to make. If only I knew God then! But I had given Him up. Rachel, poor Rachel. She knew I was suffering, tried hard to alleviate the pain. No one could do that. Not then.
I took a break to rethink my decision. And the whole process of questioning repeated itself again. But this time, I put in the words of my mother. Though we did not get along, in the end, her words always seemed wise. Three long years I took, to rediscover myself. I started asking different questions. Maybe I’m not different? Maybe I was just lonely?
Sadly, even the most patient of lovers have their limit. Rachel had waited long, too long. I couldn’t make her stay. Couldn’t blame her as well. Three years was a long time. I had trouble at work too. It was, awful. A friend, Jacob, he brought me to church. At first, I was reluctant to go. What if people knew? I would turn outcast again. But his church was different. They did not reject me, instead helped me along the way. They prayed for me, and I believed again. Now there was someone out there, caring for me. Someone who would never leave me, regardless of what I did wrong.
I went back to my family, telling them of the good news. But when I got home, she was no longer there. No, where was she when I needed her? No, she had left me, gone to heaven. I couldn’t tell her, of the new change in me. Too late. I had taken too long to come to my senses. I was traumatized. My family members tried to comfort me. They could not. I woke up from my nightmare, just to step into another. Those were dark days in my heart, with a cloud misted over my eyes. I prayed hard, relying on my new found faith to get me through. Finally, I stood up and came out of my dream state. It was time to accept the truth. I could only hope and pray, that God would tell her about me. Mother, I hope you know, how much I love you.
6:51:00 pm
finally gotten around to this
Flowers
The breeze swept through the field, rustling the grass. It was the month of May, when the flowers were in bloom. A myriad of colours burst onto the scene, displaying themselves for all to see. Jaenne sat down, soaking in the sight of the beautiful blooms. This was true beauty, Mother Nature at its finest. There were but a few fields left in the Wold. Modernization had crept over the land, sweeping away the fragile bits of greenery. Few cared enough to try and stop the monster. The Wold’s destruction was inevitable.
Jaenne let out a sigh. Such beauty would be destroyed by merciless hands. They who had been put in charge to improve the Wold, were now slowly ripping it to bits, replacing it with artificial beauty. Of course, it would be pretty, but it could never be compared to Nature’s work. Her soul cried for the flowers, those young, fragile things. Anger had once flamed in her breast, yet it now subsided, because, there was nothing that could stop the terror that would come. She lovingly caressed the nearest bud, the petals the shoots of the nearest one. It gave out a sweet scent, almost as if in response to her touch. Together with its brothers and sisters, the smell was rich, yet not overwhelming. It smelt of newness, of a lazy summer day. They did not know the devastation that would occur, had no thought of letting them go from its grasp. They continued their dance, swaying with their playmate, the wind. As they say, ignorance is bliss.
She had once though to keep a few, cultivate them at home to try and save them. Her intent was good, but she then realized, they would not have their original brilliance, their beauty marred by luxury in a lab environment. Here, out in the wild, only the fittest survived. The weaklings were left to fend for themselves. But in their entirety, they were still weak as a newborn babe from its mother’s womb. The monster of city expansion would come to gobble them up. It was better to let Fate have her own way. Besides, she would also be guilty of producing fakes. Artificiality did not appeal to her.
For now, the best thing she could do was to enjoy the sight, cherish the moment. She whipped out her camera. It was a modernity, but it had its uses. The images produced were only a glimmer of the real beauty, a scratch across the surface. But it would help to awaken foggy images when her mind was clouded. It would bring back happiness, joy but also suffering. Her children would appreciate these pictures, although they did not think much about nature’s creation.
As she sat, feasting her eyes on the glory of the blooms, she prayed silently. She hoped the leaders would come to their senses, to realize their mistakes, to try and change it all for the better. She prayed fervently that her own children, her grandchildren even, would love nature as she did, learning to revel in its glory. Her prayer done, she walked slowly back. She wiched she did not need to, wished she could spend her entire life in the field of flowers. But she had worldly chores to do, a family to feed. Her heart was heavy, her feet dragging. But she pushed herself back home. She would never, ever, forget that scene. The flowers would remain, etched in her memory, for all eternity.
The breeze swept through the field, rustling the grass. It was the month of May, when the flowers were in bloom. A myriad of colours burst onto the scene, displaying themselves for all to see. Jaenne sat down, soaking in the sight of the beautiful blooms. This was true beauty, Mother Nature at its finest. There were but a few fields left in the Wold. Modernization had crept over the land, sweeping away the fragile bits of greenery. Few cared enough to try and stop the monster. The Wold’s destruction was inevitable.
Jaenne let out a sigh. Such beauty would be destroyed by merciless hands. They who had been put in charge to improve the Wold, were now slowly ripping it to bits, replacing it with artificial beauty. Of course, it would be pretty, but it could never be compared to Nature’s work. Her soul cried for the flowers, those young, fragile things. Anger had once flamed in her breast, yet it now subsided, because, there was nothing that could stop the terror that would come. She lovingly caressed the nearest bud, the petals the shoots of the nearest one. It gave out a sweet scent, almost as if in response to her touch. Together with its brothers and sisters, the smell was rich, yet not overwhelming. It smelt of newness, of a lazy summer day. They did not know the devastation that would occur, had no thought of letting them go from its grasp. They continued their dance, swaying with their playmate, the wind. As they say, ignorance is bliss.
She had once though to keep a few, cultivate them at home to try and save them. Her intent was good, but she then realized, they would not have their original brilliance, their beauty marred by luxury in a lab environment. Here, out in the wild, only the fittest survived. The weaklings were left to fend for themselves. But in their entirety, they were still weak as a newborn babe from its mother’s womb. The monster of city expansion would come to gobble them up. It was better to let Fate have her own way. Besides, she would also be guilty of producing fakes. Artificiality did not appeal to her.
For now, the best thing she could do was to enjoy the sight, cherish the moment. She whipped out her camera. It was a modernity, but it had its uses. The images produced were only a glimmer of the real beauty, a scratch across the surface. But it would help to awaken foggy images when her mind was clouded. It would bring back happiness, joy but also suffering. Her children would appreciate these pictures, although they did not think much about nature’s creation.
As she sat, feasting her eyes on the glory of the blooms, she prayed silently. She hoped the leaders would come to their senses, to realize their mistakes, to try and change it all for the better. She prayed fervently that her own children, her grandchildren even, would love nature as she did, learning to revel in its glory. Her prayer done, she walked slowly back. She wiched she did not need to, wished she could spend her entire life in the field of flowers. But she had worldly chores to do, a family to feed. Her heart was heavy, her feet dragging. But she pushed herself back home. She would never, ever, forget that scene. The flowers would remain, etched in her memory, for all eternity.
Sunday, March 18,
11:45:00 pm
Friday, March 16,
2:14:00 am
i wonder, where did the meaning of life go?
did i lose it on the way? or will it be here to stay?
i wonder, where did my time go?
has it just slipped me by? or gotten lost in transition?
i wonder, how many times did i say thank you, i love you and i'm sorry?
was it enough? or uncountably few?
i wonder, all those times i said those magic words,
did i really mean them? or were they just passing remarks?
i wonder, how many times my words have helped people?
or jus how many times i've hurt them?
i wonder, if my friends will remember me?
whether i'm dead or alive?
i wonder, is romance such an issue?
when all i know is that it keeps on hurting me
i wonder, the places i've been, the people i've seen,
did i make an impact? did i help or hinder them?
did i lose it on the way? or will it be here to stay?
i wonder, where did my time go?
has it just slipped me by? or gotten lost in transition?
i wonder, how many times did i say thank you, i love you and i'm sorry?
was it enough? or uncountably few?
i wonder, all those times i said those magic words,
did i really mean them? or were they just passing remarks?
i wonder, how many times my words have helped people?
or jus how many times i've hurt them?
i wonder, if my friends will remember me?
whether i'm dead or alive?
i wonder, is romance such an issue?
when all i know is that it keeps on hurting me
i wonder, the places i've been, the people i've seen,
did i make an impact? did i help or hinder them?
i wonder, is it true that the world is round?
when in a child's imagination, it is square?
i wonder, why do we judge?
when we are the ones who don't measure up?
i wonder, is it right to take over a country,
when it is in the name of independance?
i wonder, why is my dog smelly?
when there are kids out there who need more than a bath
i wonder, do you wonder?
1:42:00 am
i wish i could swear
as she walked past, i could see why now, why you left me, not because of her, but because of me
i am hurting to the core, yet noone hears me, except God
look at this sunny outlook, where deep within, there lies a little girl, crying in her corner
i thought it was over, but no it has just begun, never ending, chase of fun
why me? i wonder, why me? i pray, you told me forever, but you did not stay
and now, i see, she's much better than me
confidence is the key, but where is it? where does this angel lie? when the devil speaks not the truth
i cannot find it, but yet i must say i can, what mindset is this? not me not i
noble notions, evil emotions, puzzling questions, all in the back of my mind
over and over again, two questions bounce back and forth.
where is my confidence? why she not me?
this is what i'm trying to solve, yet i cannot find the key!
hang it all! oh go boil your head! in a pile of rotten stew!
this horrible life, this murderous toil, has left me in a rue
Thursday, March 15,
11:33:00 pm
a pathetic attempt of an ode to bad girls
you in
heels, makeup
tank, tubes, straps and
me with
baggy pants, shirts and caps
and
the only other thing feminine
is what i wear beneath
but...guess what?
you and i are no more different
someday, you might be me
and i, (no not i!)
will be becoming you...
hell yea..
preyin and playin
with what you think is yours
wait till
(what comes around goes around)
angelic devil
devilish angel
whats the point
of selling your body?
when you lose your soul
material things ain't
the only way around the world!!
you and i are no more different
someday you might be me
and i, (no not i!)
will be becoming you...
Monday, March 12,
12:35:00 pm
rock on dude!
hols make me depressed. mayb cos i have practically nothin useful to do.. i wanna go back to skul.. lonely... i am so lone ly... i have nobody... of my own.. own!! oh, did u guys know tht song is actually a reli old song from the 50s? and akon jus took it and changed it into his song.
songs. oh, i'll do some free publicity for michael's band here.
its called, ask me again.
no, not ask me again. i meant ask me again.
his band name is 'ask me again'!
haha.. yea, a bit abt michael, he's 17 and he started playin gigs since he was 15. i was a bit surprised cos i knew his music's good, jus not tht he plays on the local music scene. his band has got quite a bit of experience, gigging in singapore too.. (wide eyed) they're gonna record an ep(which is somethin lyk an album). they've got an upcoming gig in mmu cyberjaya, so cool... its a alternative/rock band wit a lil metal. so yes chs-ians, we've got a real rocker in our skul! woot!
*cue for everybody to scream!!
haha.. sounds lyk im an adoring fan. no wait befor u guys get ANY assumptions, i jus lyk music and its cool to know someone who actually goes around gigging. its somethin i wud lyk to do myself and since i can't i might as well praise other ppl's glory in here. well u guys can check them out here: www.myspace.com/askmeagainmusic
bruhahaha... (jus felt lyk typing tht.) anyway, i was doin some research on studying in National Uni of S'pore, and i found out its super duper extraordinary frikin out difficult to get in. i wanna do law myself, so gues wat? every yr, their intake is only abt 200 students for the law faculty. so few! i was lyk oh crap, how many ppl can get in?? i seriously hope and pray to God my sorry butt can get there. and gues wat? most of the students are s'poreans so basically international students have only a teeny weeny chance of gettin in. sigh... proves tht i must work hard.
eh, all of you don go to NUS u hear me! all of u! tht place is mine! mine i tell u! MINE!
ahem.. sorry. evil twin there.
'shut up! i'm not ur evil twin! im ur evil evil twin!'
okok.. i'm sorry.. evil evil twin. *rolls eyes* lame..
well, if any of u wants to adopt my evil twin, jus call her at 666666. chaoz..
Sunday, March 11,
12:37:00 am
songs and verse
well i couldn be bothered by exams. i wonder why. i'm not happy when they're over. so unfeeling. ah, who cares. yes roald dahl's song and verse is so so so so good! he's super chunted and reli funny. and to think he stil wrote stuff when he was lyk 70 yrs old! most ppl cant even move then... ain't tht lyk cool man.. i hope i can be lyk him. yea, wait i get some of his poems to show you.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
by Roald Dahl
This famous wicked little tale
by Roald Dahl
This famous wicked little tale
Should never have been put on sale.
It is a mystery to me
Why loving parents cannot see
That this is actually a book
About a brazen little crook.
Had I the chance I wouldn't fail
To clap young Goldilocks in jail.
Now just imagine how you'd feel
If you had cooked a lovely meal,
Delicious porridge, steaming hot,
Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot,
With maybe toast and marmalade,
The table beautifully laid,
One place for you and one for dad,
Another for your little lad.
Then dad cries, 'Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz!'
Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!'
Let's take a walk along the street'
Until it's cool enough to eat.'
He adds, 'An early morning stroll'
Is good for people on the whole.'
It makes your appetite improve'
It also helps your bowels to move.'
No proper wife would dare to question
Such a sensible suggestion,
Above all not at breakfast-time
When men are seldom at their prime
No sooner are you down the road
Than Goldilocks, that little toad
That nosy thieving little louse,
Comes sneaking in your empty house.
She looks around. She quickly notes
Three bowls brimful of porridge oats.
And while still standing on her feet,
She grabs a spoon and starts to eat.
I say again, how would you feel
If you had made this lovely meal
And some delinquent little tot
Broke in and gobbled up the lot?
But wait! That's not the worst of it!
Now comes the most distressing bit.
You are of course a house proud wife,
And all your happy married life
You have collected lovely things
Like gilded cherubs wearing wings,
And furniture by Chippendale
Bought at some famous auction sale.
But your most special valued treasure,
The piece that gives you endless pleasure
Is one small children's dining-chair,
Elizabethan, very rare.
It is in fact your joy and pride,
Passed down to you on grandma's side.
But Goldilocks, like many freaks,
Does not appreciate antiques.
She doesn't care, she doesn't mind,
And now she plonks her fat behind
Upon this dainty precious chair,
And crunch! It busts beyond repair.
A nice girl would at once exclaim,
'Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!'
Not Goldie. She begins to swear.
She bellows, 'What a lousy chair!'
And uses one disgusting word
That luckily you've never heard.
(I dare not write it, even hint it.
Nobody would ever print it.)
You'd think by now this little skunk
Would have the sense to do a bunk.
But no. I very much regret
She hasn't nearly finished yet.
Deciding she would like a rest,
She says, 'Let's see which bed is best.'
Upstairs she goes and tries all three.
(Here comes the next catastrophe.)
Most educated people choose
To rid themselves of socks and shoes
Before they clamber into bed.
But Goldie didn't give a shred.
Her filthy shoes were thick with grime,
And mud and mush and slush and slime.
Worse still, upon the heel of one
Was something that a dog had done.
I say once more, what would you think
If all this horrid dirt and stink
Was smeared upon your eiderdown
By this revolting little clown?
(The famous story has no clues
To show the girl removed her shoes.)
Oh, what a tale of crime on crime!
Let's check it for a second time
Crime One, the prosecution's case:
She breaks and enters someone's place
Crime Two, the prosecutor notes:
She steals a bowl of porridge oats
Crime Three: She breaks a precious chair
Belonging to the Baby Bear.
Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheet
With filthy messes from her feet.
A judge would say without a blink,
'Ten years hard labour in the clink!'
But in the book, as you will see,
The little beast gets off scot-free,
While tiny children near and far
Shout, 'Goody-good! Hooray! Hurrah!''
Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say,
'Thank goodness that she got away!'
Myself, I think I'd rather send
Young Goldie to a sticky end.
'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear,
'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!''
Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,
'Your porridge is upon the bed.
'But as it's inside mademoiselle,
'You'll have to eat her up as well.'
love it? love it.
Saturday, March 10,
11:36:00 am
bajubajubaju...and more baju!!
women+shopping+clothes=inseperable
how do i know this? k.. go look at the benches in the malls. see ah, u see small kids, big kids, husbands carrying lots of shopping bags, old men old ladies, mayb a teen guy or two... but whre are the women?? zilch. and when u shop, look at the clothing racks. who stands in front of them? haha... point no. 1 proven.
shopping. mm... i think guys only lyk to shop for food. its prob cave man instinct. see food, buy. smell food, buy. taste food, oso buy. at least thts how some of the guys i know work. if we gals let them choose, they sure start for the supermarket first. and we, prob go, 'oh metrojaya got sale!', '70% discount!', 'ah!! this is so pretty!'. and face it, its essential... we NEED to look good. and if it makes us happy, who cares? haha.. and i think the guys love the eye candy as well.
hehe... whenever my mum and i go out, it always ends up in shoppin. i think we're more of accidental shoppers. see got sale, esp at blook, oh no...... and my mum's oways lyk, 'nicole! stop me!' hah! who wants to stop her, i get to shop too! and and if we wanna buy somethin specific lyk jeans, we get t shirts, belts, earrings, necklace, bracelets, tops, dresses, shorts, skirts, underwear......... but jus not jeans! haha...real accidental shoppers. but the sad thing is we're oways complainin how fat we look. haha! yea...sigh... wish i could wear sleeveless stuff. clothes are jus so hard to find..
our shopping trip has ended. it has been a pleasure to have you. thank you for bearing with me. goodbye and have a nice day!
Friday, March 9,
6:06:00 pm
over are exams!!! for now..
eh hey! em.. i am kinda sad cos i didn do well in public speaking. seriously i sucked. jo yee was so good, he practically blew the teachers away. jelous la.. how to be lawyer if i can't speak. so depressing. sigh.. short one in the middle of chatting. its dad's b'day today. making dips. this is soooo boring. can i get depressed? hell, no advice pls.