LIVE.LOVE.LEARN.LOSE

Who Am I?

Writing my personal statement has been a personal conundrum. I have realized that I've been quite lost for these past 3 months. I have drifted through one activity to another, and I have not given it my all. I was not living victoriously. And I have neglected my health, spiritually, mentally and physically. I gave up on the challenge of fitting in. I lost a lot of self-confidence, and have probably not lived my life to the fullest. This revelation has just occurred to me, and I have every intent to change it.

Today's message in church was to BE STRONG.

2 Timothy 2:1

You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Its the first message in a long while that I haven't fallen asleep in. It was like God speaking directly to me. This month is not going to be easy, as I've got a major project/deadline every week.

2 Timothy 2:3

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

Seriously I felt good after that. I was struggling with my personal statement, cos it made me realize how much my confidence level has shrunk. I'm still struggling. I'm still not sure of myself as a person. The things I thought I was, or could be, have not materialized. I thought I had a great personality, but its now being tested in this foreign land. And it has not given me good results. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But its highly possible, that I have been feeling scared, afraid, uncomfortable. I have drawn my head into my shell, and wondered why the world is ignoring me. And I keep thinking about my weight, following the plan, but the results are slow.

I know that there is a hell of a lot of room for improvement. I don't think I can go through uni like this, and not regret it. I have not relied on God for these past few weeks. I have been very foolish, and self-centred. But its time for change. It really is. I have already started on it physically, by going to gym and watching what I eat. I will not be discouraged. Its time for my fighting spirit to show. I have had enough of being in the background. I am tired of not being me. I don't want to feel lonely anymore. Don't want to only say Hi to people. Hell, I don't even know half my flatmates names. That is how bad I've become. It sucks. So I am going to do something about it. I dunno what yet, but I will. Is all this necessary? Yes, if I am ever going to prove to myself that I can do things I didn't think I could.

About God, I realized that I haven't yet accepted the fact that He accepts and loves me as who I am. Oh yes, its head knowledge. And I should actually accept it. Waiting for Keane, I browsed the Christian books outside the church, and there was this book on the '5 Teen Love Languages'. Its a parenting book. But I read that kids either want attention, acceptance or 3 other things from parents, and that parents can find out what it is by asking the kids how to become a better Dad/Mum. And listen to the answer. Digest it. If for example, the son says: 'Everytime you talk to me, I feel like you're criticising me.' Probably means he wants acceptance.

And I can relate to that. Cos I do want acceptance. In the message today, there was also a slide showing this:

Work hard--->Success--->Praise--->Acceptance

Thats how normal people work. But God starts by accepting us first, and because of that, we start to love working for Him.

Little self pep-talk: Nicole, accept the fact that there is someone who loves and accepts you. God, He loves and adores you. There is nothing to be afraid of, because He is there holding your hand every step of the way. There is no need to fear, you are not alone. Even when you feel like you're lost in the snowstorm of life, look back in the snow and see one set of footprints. Not yours, but God's. The personal statement is not a chore. Its a challenge. Its a way of expressing yourself. Its your chance to prove to yourself, that you are worthy of being a person. You are good enough to go to London. You can do it! You have nothing to lose, and life is not worth any regrets. You CAN be the person you want to be. You CAN become the all-rounder you want to be. You can't let fear stop you from doing what you want. You CAN and WILL because you have all the necessary ingredients. You are smart, talented, have a sense of humour. You can think critically, speak well, and write pretty darn well. You'e pretty, curvy. XP You're a helpful person, you are a good listener, and you respect every person you meet, as long as they respect you. You can cook, you can dance, you can write. You are responsible, you can lead people ~~when it is required~~ spontaneously, and you can work in a team. You can communicate effectively, and argue reasonably ~~when you feel like it~~. You are sporting and will accept any reasonable dare.

So many things you can do, so why is it you don't feel adequate? You are good, accept it. And so what if you possibly aren't?? What makes you a worse person if maybe you don't like socialising? Does it matter?

ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. Get over yourself already..Get your ass into the zone. Pick yourself up, its time to get up. You can't lie on the floor all day! You gotta come back fighting. Dispel the myths the devil has put in your head. God has plans for you, plans to keep you and not to harm you. He brought you a long way to UK, He's not about to let that plan fail now. He probably planned your this inner dilemma now, to test you, to show you that you're made of strong stuff. Learn about yourself, don't gripe over it. Respect yourself. Live life with no regrets. You are going to make the most out of it, and strive to do your best. If you don't plan to succeed, then what are you planning for?? Give yourself time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and your self-improvement project, isn't going to end quickly either. Is going to be ongoing. Its a lifestyle. Giving your best everyday, is going to be a lifestyle. After all, it is YOUR LIFE. Don't you want to get the most out of it?? Maximise what God gave you, every 24 hours. Every second should count, doing something productive. Get your priorities right.

~Love, Nicole