I think this book is not helping much in determining who I am. But I shall read on to find out. So, today's chapter is that I'm not an accident. Or rather, God created me specifically for His purpose. So regardless of what happens to me, its for God's greater purpose. One which I will never understand I think.

I'm at a loss as to who I am. My personality for example, has changed and shifted with the crowd I mix with, and the place I'm in. I guess the only trait I know I have for certain, is the ability to sort of blend in. What I'm worried about is that that trait points to a certain lack of personality in me. Why can't I establish myself as a person, and not let circumstances or other people dictate who I should be? I know there's a balance between keeping me as I am, and getting along with others. Am I such a pushover that I go with any flow that takes me? Or is it just that I'm trying to understand people by following their ways? Guess it depends on perspective.

~still understanding?

If you've been reading my last few posts, I've shared some of the things I've learnt, which is not much. But for the past year, I've been trying to find out whether living without regular God's influence works or not. Conclusion: Definitely no. So, I know I need God to live properly, efficiently, effectively. But the problem is in the "How?" So, I think what I'm trying to say is I've been wandering the past year without much purpose, to try out what living on the "dark" side is like (lets not get into too much detail here).

So today, I got reminded of a book called Purpose Driven Life. This book has been a big influence on my dad, and my church has also adapted it for out College-University Group sessions (shoutout to PDL people here!) But I never really got around to reading it, cos I thought it'll probably be another of those preachy self-help books. Which I've read before by the way. My review on them: Non-effective, better to experiment with your own life.

So what made me pick up this book today?

After a mamak session with my friends tonight, I realise there are many ways to live one's life. Well, the thought that I can actually control who I intend to be, or that I could give control over to the One who created me, has actually started to sink in. Turning 20 soon, means I'm only a year away from being an "adult". And I was mulling at home, slightly frustrated at why I haven't answered the question of "Whats my purpose?" and "How should I live?". Well, not sufficiently at any rate.

Moving on,

My review on this book, is purely for myself, and for any others who care to read what I write here. So, its my personal reflections on it, and though I'm a Christian, I'm approaching this book from a pretty sceptical point of view. I've read books promising to show me why I'm here for, how special I am, what a difference I can make, and mostly, how to be successful. They've never worked for me. So, reading this book is one last try at getting this "Nicole" life thing going "right", if there ever is a right way of doing things..

The book is written by Rick Warren, and its obviously written from a Christian point of view. It assumes that there is only one God, that He is the Creator of Man, and that He is omnipresent, all-knowing and that the Bible is the Truth. I personally believe in this, so if you're an atheist, this book will be slightly difficult to digest, as it assumes all the above to be true.

So, it is a 40 chapter book, each short chapter (no more than a few pages long), is to be read in a day. I've started on Day 1 already.

Nicole's reflections on Day 1:

Basically, life starts with God. So purpose of life, comes from God. What the book says is true, I have been approaching the problem of "What I'm gonna do with my life", from a purely "me" angle. So the book recommends looking to God for the answers. Simple, but profound. Head knowledge to me, but still, hasn't quite sank in. (I absorb stuff slow, don't I) So, its not about me, the book says, its about God's purpose for me.

Truth? Me don't know..... Makes logical sense, but I think the real question is, do I want it to be about God's purpose for me? Or do I want it to be all about me?

~sometimes, I want it to be about me

Reading the last post, on growing up and losing my naivety, doing the internship in Singapore has really opened my eyes to the working world, and all the societal innuendos that come with it. Like what or what not to say & do, in order not to offend your bosses/ colleagues. Things like showing face and giving others back a gift for treating you lunch. Hoho.. Feel like I've just aged, especially in those first few weeks, I was literally tip-toeing around everyone, trying not to get in the way. Yet I feel that I may not have made a lasting impression on the bosses, due to my shy, unassuming ways. I haven't really been confident, partly because I didn't know my place, and partly because I thought that was a good way to learn. Just watch and listen. Old school. I guess this is another thing to learn. Next opportunity, I have to be more confident. Its a lot about comfortability I guess. I'm not very comfortable with myself, at this juncture, because I realise how inexperienced, how insignificant I am in the greater magnitude of the world.

Yet now I think about it, its amazing how God actually regards me as His special one. And that even though there are tens of million of people in the world, yet I'm the only Nicole, and there has not, and there will never be another person who is me. Its quite amazing. So my next question is, can I, as an individual, as one out of the many millions, make a difference in the world? Or is whatever I do so minuscule that there will be no impact on this planet? If so, then how can I make a difference, or rather do I want to make a difference? Do I want to challenge myself, do I want to change the future, and take an active stand in moulding and shaping a better Earth as I see it? Do I even have what it takes to be the person I want to be? Deep questions, and ones that I will have to mull over.

~to be or not to be, that is a funny question.