Reading the last post made me think: what a fool.. thought she's growing up but had no inkling of what shit she had in store for the future.

I mean, UK has been a goldfish bowl experience. I'm the goldfish, watching the world go by, not participating, staying stuck in that little bowl and envying everyone outside. Why? Cos I thought I'd die without water.

After this past year, I've done so many things I never thought I would do. Mostly quite a bit of shit, but this summer especially has been an experience I'll never forget. Fully living, savouring every minute, enjoying my time on earth. Day-to-day chores were my main occupation in UK. But hols here were so fun! Like at no point in my holiday was I ever concerned with the nitty gritty bits of life. So privileged actually. Irresponsible? Maybe sometimes. Its nice to be independent and only needing to take care of yourself. Sometimes I dread to think about having a family. Maybe I'm regressing, but living for myself is so liberating. And then my conscience kicks in and says: "Don't forget you're a Christian and you have a responsibility to live the life God intended you to." That said, I have probably not grown as close to God as I would like. At some point yes, I was concerned about learning more about Him. But for now, not really no.

I'm getting a bit tired of this side of me you know. The part which is really gung-ho about something one minute, and the next moment the obsession becomes passe. Its like, hello girl, you cannot make up your mind and stick with something wan ah? Chinese say "ban tu er fei", halfway then give up already. Its like my motives in life change with the wind. How sad right.. Fundamental principles, where are you?!? Sometimes i don't want those principles though. They stop me from trying new things, and getting different experiences.

~conflicted