Have started sighing again. I thought I stopped this habit ages ago. But Mummy and some of my friends pointed it out to me and I catch myself doing it again, especially in office. I'm blaming it on the stress from work these past few  weeks. Used to have these bouts of sighing in secondary school. But mentally I feel okay. Like, healthily stressed lol, like there is such a thing. I mean, its not at a level where I am freaking out. But have been rather tensed lately, shoulders all raised and stuff. Wow, I can't imagine sustaining this level for long. I mean 2 weeks and I'm already feeling it? Need to find a mechanism to destress. And do I want to be like this for the next 30 years of working life? Mayhap time to rethink about my career goals and aims in life. Happiness vs financial stability. Also maybe I should do some yoga, it helped a lot in school. Then I can be both happy and have sufficient finances. Not sure if I can cope juggling a job and having kids. I'm amazed at what my mother could do. And other mothers too. Lord, praying for help everyday.

Treat your boss like your client.

What does it say about me if work brings meaning in my life.

Have been working on the same case for weeks on end. And mind you it isn't those glamorous complicated mega-billion dollar transactions. It is a simple accident at work. Though I'm sick and tired of facing the same documents over and over again, I am challenging myself to produce something worthwhile, something I can say I've put in hours for, and the work is good.

I like my job when I can see what I'm doing. Before I was wading in murky water, now it has become so much clearer. So I guess my boss has fixed his mess, which is also my mess. Thank God for breakthrough.

Now how do I go about helping myself get some clarity? Without involving all the clients and witnesses etc. Progression wise how do I do those kind of things faster? And can I strikeout on my own specialisation? Instead of relying on my boss to teach?

Been having the feeling that something bad will happen soon. As karma for all the good things that God has blessed me with recently. Its ridiculous I know. But I can't shake that feeling off. The more I dwell on it, the greater the fear becomes.

I realised I've been trying to run and dodge problems recently. Ignoring them and not facing up to the fact that I am where I am now. I have to acknowledge that God has put me here and now, and that He has a purpose for all this. Some changes are going on now that I have to accept:

1) Growing up and taking on more responsibilities. I get to choose now, out of my own free will, what to do or not to do. And these decisions have consequences. Nobody but myself will take the blame for any mistakes I make. And perhaps worse, other people might end up getting hurt because of my actions.

2) I have a boyfriend, and that in 3-4 years time, I'll be at an age where I want to be married. As part of growing up, I have to prepare for my future and start planning for it. If there's one consistent advice I've been getting from people around me, it is to plan. And plan early. And plan to fail along the way and learn from the experience. I still have time on my side, that's the plus point. And enough time to fail, enough time to learn how to succeed. Same goes for work.

3) Work is getting tough. I have to start taking my job seriously, not just assume that the boss is going to babysit me and spoon feed me. This is working life, not school anymore. What he assigns me to do, I must apply brains and devise a way to go about it to get it done. He won't tell me what to do step by step. If he does, it won't be explained why he is doing it the way he is doing it. This is how the boss is gonna train me. Either suck it up and man up, or leave and find somewhere else where the training style is more like school.

4) I will have to start taking care of my parents. Not the other way round. Grandparents won't be around forever, and parents too. Death is inevitable, so cherish the times I have with them.

5) Personality wise I have room for improvement. Traits I should cultivate include being more humble. More understanding and emphatic. To have a servant attitude, and less of a selfish attitude. To expect more from myself, and less from others.

The only consolation I have is that I have taken steps to grow closer to God. And I am glad and proud of myself that I have and can make some decisions and stick to them. I'm glad of where I am, and realise that I am truly blessed. Just have to remind myself that God's hand is always in my life, and that this is all for His glory, not mine.

In my last post, I talked about bridling my tongue. After a good talk with someone who is on the quiet side, I think I've learnt that discernment is the way to go. The person I talked to goes on a "need-to-know" basis when divulging his personal information. Unlike me, he shares only certain things with certain people, depending on the type of persons and the content of what he says. Most of the time he ends up saying nothing. Whilst I'm certainly not like that in terms of sharing, I thought that I could learn the wisdom of knowing when to speak. So am praying for discernment and judgment to know when, who and what to talk about. I guess being female doesn't help heh. Women on average speak 13,000 words a day more than men apparently.

Okay, I have never had issues with authority. I would normally just do what they want to be done. But what if I don't know what they want? And having done what I thought they wanted and they told me that its not what they want, how then do I figure out what they truly want? And not get angry with them and with the things I need to do throughout the entire process?

So problem defined: I have done something for my boss that he isn't happy with. He needs a revised version with greater detail, but I have no idea or don't want to think about the amount of work I have to do to give him what he wants.

How to solve: Do the work. All of it. Joyfully. Depend on God to give me wisdom and perseverance to complete this task.

Action plan:
1) Start with the main points.
2) Identify what needs to be developed and put it as sub-points
3) Supporting evidence to back up facts.

Confidence is not acting like you know what you're doing. It is security in knowing that God has got your back.

This hit me just now, when I was practicing my catwalk  walking to the toilet. Strutting around and showing off your colours helps to bring an air of confidence. But once you're found out, that you can't walk the talk, you're in deep shit. And that's what I've been doing. Pretending that I can do it, when really, I'm not equipped with the skills to do so. And when I fail miserably, both the person I'm doing work for and myself are terribly disappointed and disillusioned, not to mention that it has been a waste of time for them cos I can't deliver like I said I could. The quality isn't there. So I have to learn to better my skills. And gain confidence not from my skill set, but from the knowledge that mistakes will be made, and that God is by my side helping me to deal with it. The disappointment when I fail is inevitable, but the right attitude would be to take that failure and turn it into something good.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Well then, back to work so that I can deliver like I said I would!

Who is that girl I see. Why is my reflection someone I don't know.

Realised the whole day I've been acting bossy and bitchy, gossipy and plain mean. Well, not just today, but maybe the entire week? Especially to people I don't know well. To my friends, I'm alright. I'm not treating people gracefully, respectfully, humbly. Acting like I know it all, when I really don't. Not showing God's love at all. Lord, forgive my evil tongue and actions. Help me to be more graceful, to bridle my tongue and let your light shine through. Instead of being all mean and nasty, just cos its cool to do so.

I wonder why I'm like that. Cos, I've been blessed so much recently, I'm happy with where I'm at in life right now. Yet I still behave so bitchily to others. Maybe because I think I'm better than them? I think that is the root of the problem. I always think I'm better than them. Sigh.... Major character flaw. Its not that I'm not thankful. Its more like ego boost. Goodness, is my confidence level so low that I have to put others down to feel better about myself. Scheisse.. That is like my worst nightmare. And I have been doing that. Terriblee!!!!!

So, problem. How to fix? Start by realising that confidence is in God. Not in my abilities or strengths. Not in my intelligence or knowledge. Sigh.. The problem with me is that I think I'm so damn smart la. Overestimate my abilities. Even though I actually just suck. Big time. Like simple things like searching for the right form also I can't do. My research skills also not kilat. Argghhhhh.... And then I go around blaming the situation and people around me. The subject of research too trivial la, the people don't give me good work la etc.

I need to acknowledge that this is a period of learning, of humbly accepting my lack of knowledge. Being proud of my progress is okay, but to be honest, I have hardly any achievements to boast of. I can only boast in the Lord. Forgive me Lord for my arrogance. And laziness and not taking pride in the small work that I do. Lord teach me to appreciate the work I am given, to thank You for providing me opportunities to learn the legal trade. And not to envy others who I perceive to have better opportunities than I do.

And hey! Prayer answered. Boss just gave me a sexy corporate research job!

Thank you Lord.

Love,
Nic