Who is that girl I see. Why is my reflection someone I don't know.

Realised the whole day I've been acting bossy and bitchy, gossipy and plain mean. Well, not just today, but maybe the entire week? Especially to people I don't know well. To my friends, I'm alright. I'm not treating people gracefully, respectfully, humbly. Acting like I know it all, when I really don't. Not showing God's love at all. Lord, forgive my evil tongue and actions. Help me to be more graceful, to bridle my tongue and let your light shine through. Instead of being all mean and nasty, just cos its cool to do so.

I wonder why I'm like that. Cos, I've been blessed so much recently, I'm happy with where I'm at in life right now. Yet I still behave so bitchily to others. Maybe because I think I'm better than them? I think that is the root of the problem. I always think I'm better than them. Sigh.... Major character flaw. Its not that I'm not thankful. Its more like ego boost. Goodness, is my confidence level so low that I have to put others down to feel better about myself. Scheisse.. That is like my worst nightmare. And I have been doing that. Terriblee!!!!!

So, problem. How to fix? Start by realising that confidence is in God. Not in my abilities or strengths. Not in my intelligence or knowledge. Sigh.. The problem with me is that I think I'm so damn smart la. Overestimate my abilities. Even though I actually just suck. Big time. Like simple things like searching for the right form also I can't do. My research skills also not kilat. Argghhhhh.... And then I go around blaming the situation and people around me. The subject of research too trivial la, the people don't give me good work la etc.

I need to acknowledge that this is a period of learning, of humbly accepting my lack of knowledge. Being proud of my progress is okay, but to be honest, I have hardly any achievements to boast of. I can only boast in the Lord. Forgive me Lord for my arrogance. And laziness and not taking pride in the small work that I do. Lord teach me to appreciate the work I am given, to thank You for providing me opportunities to learn the legal trade. And not to envy others who I perceive to have better opportunities than I do.

And hey! Prayer answered. Boss just gave me a sexy corporate research job!

Thank you Lord.

Love,
Nic